Time and Home.

There's a song called LONESOME LOSER by Little River Band from the late 70's. I have it saved on my play list and every time I hear it I get melancholy. A nostalgic ache that reminds me of being a small child in the back seat of my parents Plymouth Volare hearing it blare on the AM radio, no seat belt, driving down the rural roads of the Chicago suburbs. The warm, summer wind blowing in through the windows. The wispy, fun of the journey to or from our small but cozy home and my parents in the front seat. The excitement of the vast future that awaited me and feeling...safe.

Lately in my 40's I am hyper aware of how fast time has gone by. What once was 'oh that feels like yesterday' now feels like a lifetime ago. It was actually. The distance from then to now profoundly more vast since both my parents are gone. So I, like many who have experienced loss, walk around a bit with a hole in my soul. You never really recover from grief it sort of sets up shop within, and just when you think you're fine makes itself known unexpectedly like a storm. A song. A smell. A tangible reminder in some form or the other of our lost loved ones. It feels like that is how they are communicating from who knows where. The only 'comfort' I feel, and I use that term loosely, is I know everyone feels this to some extent. That each of us are assigned a life path with gains and losses.

Loss seems to be the special brand of trauma the Universe sometimes has assigned my life. It's like as I'm getting older this is happening more. Is it because my boundaries are stronger? That people are not growing with you? Is aging just accumulating more scars? What's the phrase, that if we could throw all our struggles in a pile in the middle of the room we would STILL reach back for our own problems versus others. I think that's probably true although I often wish my life had less loss.

There's always been this sense of searching for 'home' in me. Home, wow what does that word even mean anyway? I've bounced around so much the last 19 years I'm not really sure anymore. I've had to make wherever I am home. I've never found that feeling I had with my parents. Maybe it's safety. Maybe it's that you didn't have to worry about a roof over your head or bills lol. That they were 'always' there. But I think it's the feeling of being understood and held in a way only they provided. My parents were my biggest supporters, confidantes and soul mates. There was some dysfunction as there is in any family sure, but mostly love. Some days I still can't believe I have to trudge this world, thrive, fall, deal with awful people, work, travel, go about my day without even the possibility of talking to them. I miss them so much. Arthur and Diane made me who I am and they are woven into the tapestry of everything that is good about me. I hope they are proud of me. I see people posting on social media with their parents and I think do they truly know how fast that can change?

So time marches on. The bridge gets wider and wider. I can't remember everything clearly but most memories remain. I breathe. I wake. I try to stay in the moment and vortex of gratitude rather then look to the past. It's a process. And so this Lonesome Loser moves onward, he keeps on trying..

"So how do I do normal

A smile I fake

A permanent wave of

Cue-cards and fix-it kits

Can't you tell, I'm not myself

I'm a slow-motion accident

Lost in coffee rings and finger prints

I don't want to feel anything

But I do, and it all comes back to you.

So listen up, the sun hasn't set

I refuse to believe it's only me, feeling." HEAR ME OUT- Frou Frou

Soul of the Ocean

My morning ritual Nov 2017.

Just finished our fast, furious and incredible run playing Mike in FREAKY FRIDAY at the Virginia Musical Theatre and it was a splendid experience! I loved being back there. Last show I did there was 14 years ago THE STUDENT PRINCE in 2003! Man time sure does fly. Back then I learned so much, met my best gal pal, and had one of those amazing experiences you remember always. This one was no exception and came at just the right time in my life when I needed it most.

Another fact for me back then was: I was heartbroken over the end of a relationship. Seems like I am only in Virginia Beach when I'm like this and need the ocean. I am so grateful for this contract and for the joy of working on a show with great people in a magical place I love. The Atlantic ocean for whatever reason, seems to hold a healing balm to my heart when I need it most. Every morning I walked the oceanfront, a lot of prayer, assessing, affirming. It's my ritual there it seems I did it last time. I spent 6 years in mountains and let me tell ya there is no question mountains don't do it for me I am an OCEAN seeker the Ocean water in it's vastness is my sweet spot. Speaks to my soul I could walk on one for the rest of my life. Beachfront property, anyone?

There's been lots to think about. Why these have happened. Who I was back then, who I am now, where I am headed. I think the difference now is I know I will overcome pain where in the past I didn't think I would. Been finding out about colleagues and friends who have passed away recently too, which sort of puts it all the more in perspective. I know loss well with my parents. This is part of life, the joy and the pain. I've lived long enough to know that into every life a little rain must fall. But for the moment how lucky I am to be alive in this time and space, despite all that.

So many lessons surrounding these endings this time for different reasons I am still working through them. Sometimes the narrative people want to tell themselves is that you are 'wrong', instead of the realty that we are ALL flawed and sometimes make mistakes, and it's not always black or white it's sometimes grey. That circumstances of life can challenge connection. That asking forgiveness is essential. Forgive yourself in the process too. It doesn't always work out but knowing deep down either way, you will be fine.

Back in the Midwest for Christmastime. That's a whole other blog blogsters as I am a man always on the run. We'll see what's next I go back to NYC in Jan after some time in Chicago. Trying to remain hopeful about the future with our current state of government. But, there's always a chance to be hopeful, if you decide ahead of time there is. Virginia Beach Ocean front, don't you forget about me...

“We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss-we want more and more and then more of it. But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass, say, the window of the corner video store, and I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless; I am living…”

Marie Howe, from What the Living Do

Virginia Beach, Nov 2017

Train Now Leaving...

“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” ― Mo Willems.

New York City was my home for 10 glorious and at times depleting years. I had some of the most unforgettable experiences in my life and met the most extraordinary people there. I still have a hard time talking about it in past tense as if it's "done" because I try to be there once a year. (In fact I'm flying to New York this week for most of Sept). I grew the most I ever have there and still feel like I was taken out of it's womb too soon. But for all intents and purposes I don't know where I live at the moment. I never thought I would leave NYC. In 2010 I needed the change so off I jumped to the west. So many factors then indicated it was the "right time". In January I officially moved away from Denver after "trying it out" for 6 years. Yea right trying it out cut to me 6 years later 😆. Guess I was born a ramblin' man. To quote Oprah "When you've grown as much as you can grow in one place, it's time to go." It was time to go.

When I moved to Denver, I thought maybe I could be a full time performer again and as it turned out that's exactly what I did. I felt the pull to move, to have new experiences, meet new people and to step off the rat race of Manhattan into a smaller market. Initially it was a great community, but maybe I overstayed my welcome? I did some good work. Sometimes we ignore the call that our stories are leading us elsewhere--that each place has well, an expiration date.

Patti Lapone recently was quoted regarding her show WAR PAINT that it's her last, how musical theatre is exhausting and she's done. I agree, musical theatre does takes everything out of you, seem to prefer on-camera and theatre as of late.So we know that's true. I know I'm talented with a lot to offer, but where and in what capacity now?

We'll see what comes from New York next week and some auditions. Sometimes life is at a standstill and you just have to trust the journey. Currently in the Midwest working with my agents. Maybe NYC again, it is (or maybe was?) my heart home. In the musical COMPANY the character of Joanne quips "One knows when to come to New York, and one knows when to leave." That was true. Clearly I am full of quotes in this blog but I digress 😊 One of the things I am the most proud of myself is that I have thrown my net far and wide and lived all over the U.S. I cannot imagine if I had just stayed in my hometown my entire life and never left. I recently scoped out Seattle to see if its a fit (it's not....for now) and am surprisingly enjoying being back in Chicagoland. It's the nature of the beast I suppose when it comes to expat location and expat relationships. Some fall away when you leave or change. The good part is you now have friends all over which you can hold in your heart. And you have the lessons and the growth. That's a win. Ahhh but still where to next?

I welcome your thoughts on these musings gentle bloggeristas and social media moguls......what does home mean to you and what are your thoughts on your proverbial train?

Tough skin with a vulnerable heart

I wrote this article for Actors Embassy a couple years ago about the ups and downs of showbiz, and I'm finding myself referring back to it lately. Thank the Gods I am on an upswing of work lately to which I am beyond grateful, but with a rough fall into spring came the nagging familiar feeling that maybe I should be doing something else with my life. I've spoken with a couple of actor friends in the same boat and we all feel it sometimes. I am an artist first and foremost, but a consistent paycheck is lifeblood. I was back in New York in February pounding the pavement and although I still love it there the stress of the city just depletes my health much faster now. I'm about to do a show in Los Angeles and I'm pretty sure I would never want to move there. Some of my most talented and beautiful friends are leaving LA after years of trying to make it. If they can't well a Ricky Schroder look-a-like like me ehhhh. Besides, I don't think any actor 'makes it' really there's no linear progression like other careers say where 20 years down the line you're Vice President.

Author Elizabeth Gilbert recently spoke about taking passion off the table in our career endeavors, and instead replacing it with--follow your curiosity. I love this. Follow your curiosity. Tony winner Karen Olivo who I admire was quoted in the NY times about leaving the industry "I was operating like an actor in life--which is scary---constantly wanting people to like me and thinking that I had to promote myself--and the truth is in life, you don't need to do that." Actress Laura Bell Bundy said "There's something soul less about hustling and running around and trying to convince people that you're worth something---and you can do that--- as long as your feel like you have some other creative outlet or some other thing that's enriching your soul..."

Such good reminders for us creative folk.

I think it's very important to live your life outside of the biz. Focusing on your relationships, family friends, and whatever else that gives you a modicum of contentment. This business is about so many things that you have little control over. You are offering YOU so it's hard to not take rejection personally sometimes,You can only do what you can do and not everyone will like you. Seldom is the reward for your commitment and sacrifice but then, sometimes it is. You just keep moving forward keeping a tough skin to survive the business, while maintaining your vulnerable heart for the craft.

I'm proud of myself for persevering 20 years now through this uncertain profession, although I'd be lying if I said I don't think about throwing the towel in. I think the question of moving forward will always be here for me, am I living up to my full potential by just doing this? Grateful I have branched off into Directing more as it feels like a natural progression, and I'm good at it. My desire for financial stability may never be answered. I guess it's a career that has chosen me versus me choosing it. To sit at the Hollywood round table getting accolades for your art is not always guaranteed and when it does it's fleeting. Maybe I should be doing something else, but it also may simply be about persevering.

Follow your curiosity bloggers.....but keep that vulnerable heart.

MY SECRET HIDEWAY from Maya NYC reading 2005.

Recent short I did for the MS Symposium in Orlando. Although serious in tone, we spent a lot of takes cracking up, which of course you cannot tell on the finished product. :)

A Foodie Pontificates Part 2...The Shift.

In 2009, I wrote about the changes I made after seeing a wonderful nutritionist in New York (read it here). At the turn of 2013 I wanted to kick it up a notch on my nutrient dense food consumption. And kick it up I have! I now call myself a ‘flexitarian’, and like my previous blog I wanted to list some of the pointers I've gained to inspire the foodie masses. I’ve been extensively reading, researching, watching documentaries, going to food lectures and implementing healthier choices in my meals. Our health is symptomatic of what we eat, no question. Food is our medicine, and our fridge should be our “medicine cabinet”. Below I have listed my Top 10 2013 Foodie tips fresh off the press! I truly hope they inspire you as they have me:

1. I’m eating more 'raw' food-raw cashews for more cream based raw dishes and drinks. I make a delicious spinach dip with raw cashews, garlic, and nutritional yeast (google that). I’ve also found an almond cashew based cream called Mimicreme that goes great in coffee or smoothies. No dairy, no cholesterol and delicious with a bit of agave nectar or stevia.
2. I try to listen to what my body wants nutritionally. When we load up on processed fatty unrefined foods, our body grows addicted to the chemicals in them and craves it. This continues to make us sick. It’s when we break that cycle (which takes a little time, be patient) that our body eventually starts healing and comes back into a more balanced healthy state- by choosing more whole organic food. Even making just a few changes, you'll notice a huge difference inside overall.
3. I try to use meat as the ‘side’ dish now in my diet, and make vegetables, quinioa, rice etc. the main course. And whenever possible budget wise I buy organic, grass fed antibiotic free meat and avoid red meat in general. Whole Foods or Sprouts are my go-to stores. Read labels to avoid inflammatory chemicals like High Fructose Corn Syrup. Food with the least amount of ingredients.
4. I’ve started tampering with gluten free options. This is something I am just scratching the surface on, and I don’t know for sure if I am indeed gluten intolerant. It’s more an experiment. Gluten is just a piece of the puzzle really. If you can get tested for it great, but for me it’s more about trying to eat food with the least amount of processing. Some of the gluten free options are quite good and I highly recommend them.
5. I watched a couple of incredibly insightful documentaries: THE CURE IS, THE LAST HEART ATTACK by Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn (his son runs an amazing plant based website called Engine 2.) and I read THE MOOD CURE by Julia Ross which correlates how food affects our moods. Finally the epic docu' SUPERSIZE ME (who author Alexadra Jamieson recently became my vlog friend!). If you haven’t seen these, I encourage you to check them out if only to educate yourself on processed food and it's contribution to disease.
6.  Learning about toxins in our food: GMO’s for example. The book THE UNHEALTHY TRUTH by Robyn O’Brien, talks about synthetic growth hormone/proteins approved in the US in 1994 for mass food consumption. The US government had never tested these hormones, and they say “until its proven dangerous” they will allow it into our food supply. All to enhance food profitability. Only in the US geez, many other countries now require GMO labeling in food.
7. I allow myself to slip up. It’s ok to have fast food, coke etc. I was raised in the Midwest after all. But now, I’ve looked at food from both sides now. I’m so grateful I have the education to compare and contrast. I actually like now when I eat certain foods and get sick, its my body's alert system telling me what inflames it, and I want to be getting that information. It's a preemptive health alert!
8. Meat and dairy free alternatives. Once you allow yourself to try these a couple of times, you truly love them. My most recent fav’ is Sunshine Burgers and Gardein chick'n breasts, I practically crave them on an Ezekiel wrap with avocado, grape seed veganaise and dark leafy greens. And of course my staples now; Rice and Almond Milk. A good life is feeling good in your body-and from there the other good things in life flow.
9. Cook more of your meals at home. Make large batches of healthy food and freeze things for later convenience. Inevitably whatever we’re cooking at home with coconut oil, olive oil is better for us than restaurant food caked in grease. Enjoy those restaurant foods yes, but occasionally not consistently.
10. A Whole Food mega vitamin, Fish Oil, Vitamin D and additional supplements as needed. This has been HUGE for me in overall feeling healthy. The research is abounding. And of course, Exercise is crucial to our well being, it just makes everything better. You may not like doing it during, but you will always like how you feel after. You invest in your future.

When you know the truth, it is hard to go back and unlearn it. I think we all sort of don’t want to hear too much about this, and the thought of giving up our most tasty fat laden foods is unthinkable. I’m not saying give them up, make them the occasional treat and make food for health your priority. It's easy once you do it, really. I get so sad when I see sick or obese people coughing, wheezing and struggling to be physical. We hold in our hands the choice for our own health and it's up to us. Alertness, agility, energy, feeling good overall. Our eating behavior is symptomatic to our rates of disease, sickness, depression, exhaustion. Sickness doesn't just HAPPEN to us haphazardly always, we contribute to our ill health by what we eat and do. So how important is your health to you? When you have your health, you have everything. The shift for me has been ‘do I want to eat to live, or live to eat’? I have heart disease, diabetes and cancer in my family, that eating choices and smoking have caused without question. If I want to live a long, healthy life I've envisioned it has to start with what I put in my body and what I do. Nutrient dense meals, exercise, meditation, giving back. It’s all synergistic and just takes some pro activeness. And so the foodie in me continues to pontificate....hopefully growing in vibrant health. It's you...only better right?

My healthy eating mentor Alexandra Jamieson, of the Oscar nominated SUPERSIZE ME, answered my question on her Vlog today mentioning me by name! Thanks Alexandra! Bummed I have to lessen my meatless meat consumption but so valued her advice. Check out her vlog!

TOP TEN Driving Annoyances-a symposium.

Years ago I wrote about my Top 10 Subway Annoyances in New York. When I moved to Denver in 2010, I had not driven in almost ten years. Cut to me buying a car, hittin' the road and subsequently relearning how to drive all over again (you never really forget). And with that, the return of all the abounding douchebaggery on the roads. So in the spirit of revision, I give you my Top Ten Driving Annoyances of 2013. I dare you not to relate-And of course please chime in with your own car'irritants:

1. Bizarre turn lanes. All of sudden you're driving and are forced, by the evil road Gods, to turn L even though you did not want to-and are late-and were given no warning beforehand. Dislike.

2. Driving in rain that is misting down lightly. The tires from cars in front of you form a fine mist that basically renders you blind as a bat. And god forbid it's a semi truck in front of you. It's a complete whiteout mist comparable to a Tibetan hurricane. Come to think of it, TRUCKS in general should be their own obnoxious category. They just don't care honey badger. Go away trucks.

3. Construction zones. It does not feel like you are there to make our roads better Construction people. It feels like you are there to make our lives hell, to just have work, and to perpetually add 25.7 more minutes to our travel time. #roadconstructioncanbiteme

4. When merging 8 million cars from aforementioned construction zones, douchebags who cut all the way up to the front and try to bully their way into the lane you have patiently waited in. No I will not let you in, it's called rules of the road.

5. Parking lots. Why parking lots why? Pulling in, pulling out. Always crowded. Pulling out of a parking spaces without being able to see what's coming.*ouch my neck hurts. Keep alert in parking lots, that's all I'm sayin'.

6. Entitled douchebag drivers speeding recklessly (in snow storms or bad weather). To ye, I put a voodoo witch curse on you to get pulled over and ticketed exorbitantly, crash your car (not die of course....well...maybe) and skyrocket your insurance payments. *Ssst Ssst.

7. Anybody driving in HU'OGE heavy duty pick up trucks that are too wide. No one needs that much car. NO ONE. What are you transporting a whole state? You are over compensating for your small penis and we all know it.

8. Traffic jams that are caused by cars slowing down to stare at the accident on the side of the road. Keep looking ahead people.

9. It's called turn signals. You use them whenever you change lanes, exit or turn. Forget about them, and someone could end up dead.....where did you learn how to drive?....Don't answer that.

10. And the number ten spot goes to...*drum roll....Tailgating! The primal rage this causes in me I can't even explain. Here it is: Two cars stopping distance in front of you. Say this with me "One thousand one, one thousand two" as you drive along. That's right, keep counting and get off my ass please.

Ok that really got my blood pressure up. Hopefully this will go viral and save millions of people. Surely you have more where this came from fellow drivers?

Happy Trails.

Actors Equity's The Narrative Project published me! Click here to read the full article on how I earned my Actors Equity membership.

Sit down conversation with Lucy from Theatre Aspen to hear about how I got into the business and the quirky way I got involved with Theatre Aspen!

Tonight I went for a late night walk....the breeze coming in my window was beautiful and cool and it beckoned me to put the old gym shoes on and step. At 9:30pm mind you.

I used to go for walks all the time in Brooklyn. Well obviously living in New York you walked everywhere, but late night cool weather walks in Brooklyn were one of my favorite things about living in New York. I spent most of my 9+ years there living in Park Slope, Brooklyn (with a year stop in Hoboken New Jersey). The people, smells the overall vibe of Brooklyn and oh how I loved Prospect Park-ah my pond. I can't even believe I'm writing about Brooklyn in past tense like its some far away distant thing that happened part of me still feels like I live there. I've only been in Denver for about 7 months now so it sort of still feels like 'One foot in New York, one foot in Colorado' I'd say.

There was NO ONE out there on the walk. I mean like no one. And the quiet, although meditative, was more disconcerting to me then my late night walks home from the subway in Brooklyn. At least there was always people around there. Tonight I got that 'Halloween-murderer-around-the-bush' creeps as I strolled through the subdivision here in Lowry. And at one point, some type of mammouth bug jumped out and bit/hit my leg. I was like a city boy parody then jumping with an EEK. I'm still warming up to Mountains, hell they scare me more than Times Square at 3am. Even still, my evening walk tonight was amazing with my favorite type of evening weather, beautiful homes, peace, street lamps, breeze-oh so good for the soul.

I noticed that in 2009 I had written in my blog how New York was now permanently my home, and how I loved/hated it-and look at me now all up in Colorado's grill. Hmmf Life is unexpected isn't it? I have been very blessed since I got here to Denver. A wonderful place to live, new amazing friends that have basically fallen in my lap in the most miraculous ways, new work as an artist once again. SO excited to start my Theatre Aspen job in a couple of weeks. It fills me with a deep sense of gratitude. But my nature always seems to be one of 'seeking'. And although most signs lean toward me staying here the verdict is still out if I will permanently make Colorado my home. I love Denver I now viscerally understand why the late great John Denver sang so passionately about it here lol. But also part of my soul is still in New York. And even a bit in my hometown Chicago. Maybe it's the Libra in me. Something astrological, this seeking. Part of my journey I guess. But when I look back on all I've done thus far in my years, particularly my brave jumps to live in different states and cities I feel really proud of myself.

As I finished my walk I looked up at the night twinkling starry sky and said an audible 'thank you'. I know it sounds corny but I believe you need to send out that energy to God and the Universe when you feel it so strongly. Whispered prayers of gratitude. Always the seeker I try to stay present and not seek too much but stay and enjoy. 'Wherever you go, there you are'. Except tonight I couldn't stay...at least in the house. Excited to see what next is in store for me......