TOP TEN Driving Annoyances-a symposium.

Years ago I wrote about my Top 10 Subway Annoyances in New York. When I moved to Denver in 2010, I had not driven in almost ten years. Cut to me buying a car, hittin' the road and subsequently relearning how to drive all over again (you never really forget). And with that, the return of all the abounding douchebaggery on the roads. So in the spirit of revision, I give you my Top Ten Driving Annoyances of 2013. I dare you not to relate-And of course please chime in with your own car'irritants:

1. Bizarre turn lanes. All of sudden you're driving and are forced, by the evil road Gods, to turn L even though you did not want to-and are late-and were given no warning beforehand. Dislike.

2. Driving in rain that is misting down lightly. The tires from cars in front of you form a fine mist that basically renders you blind as a bat. And god forbid it's a semi truck in front of you. It's a complete whiteout mist comparable to a Tibetan hurricane. Come to think of it, TRUCKS in general should be their own obnoxious category. They just don't care honey badger. Go away trucks.

3. Construction zones. It does not feel like you are there to make our roads better Construction people. It feels like you are there to make our lives hell, to just have work, and to perpetually add 25.7 more minutes to our travel time. #roadconstructioncanbiteme

4. When merging 8 million cars from aforementioned construction zones, douchebags who cut all the way up to the front and try to bully their way into the lane you have patiently waited in. No I will not let you in, it's called rules of the road.

5. Parking lots. Why parking lots why? Pulling in, pulling out. Always crowded. Pulling out of a parking spaces without being able to see what's coming.*ouch my neck hurts. Keep alert in parking lots, that's all I'm sayin'.

6. Entitled douchebag drivers speeding recklessly (in snow storms or bad weather). To ye, I put a voodoo witch curse on you to get pulled over and ticketed exorbitantly, crash your car (not die of course....well...maybe) and skyrocket your insurance payments. *Ssst Ssst.

7. Anybody driving in HU'OGE heavy duty pick up trucks that are too wide. No one needs that much car. NO ONE. What are you transporting a whole state? You are over compensating for your small penis and we all know it.

8. Traffic jams that are caused by cars slowing down to stare at the accident on the side of the road. Keep looking ahead people.

9. It's called turn signals. You use them whenever you change lanes, exit or turn. Forget about them, and someone could end up dead.....where did you learn how to drive?....Don't answer that.

10. And the number ten spot goes to...*drum roll....Tailgating! The primal rage this causes in me I can't even explain. Here it is: Two cars stopping distance in front of you. Say this with me "One thousand one, one thousand two" as you drive along. That's right, keep counting and get off my ass please.

Ok that really got my blood pressure up. Hopefully this will go viral and save millions of people. Surely you have more where this came from fellow drivers?

Happy Trails.

Actors Equity's The Narrative Project published me! Click here to read the full article on how I earned my Actors Equity membership.

Sit down conversation with Lucy from Theatre Aspen to hear about how I got into the business and the quirky way I got involved with Theatre Aspen!

Tonight I went for a late night walk....the breeze coming in my window was beautiful and cool and it beckoned me to put the old gym shoes on and step. At 9:30pm mind you.

I used to go for walks all the time in Brooklyn. Well obviously living in New York you walked everywhere, but late night cool weather walks in Brooklyn were one of my favorite things about living in New York. I spent most of my 9+ years there living in Park Slope, Brooklyn (with a year stop in Hoboken New Jersey). The people, smells the overall vibe of Brooklyn and oh how I loved Prospect Park-ah my pond. I can't even believe I'm writing about Brooklyn in past tense like its some far away distant thing that happened part of me still feels like I live there. I've only been in Denver for about 7 months now so it sort of still feels like 'One foot in New York, one foot in Colorado' I'd say.

There was NO ONE out there on the walk. I mean like no one. And the quiet, although meditative, was more disconcerting to me then my late night walks home from the subway in Brooklyn. At least there was always people around there. Tonight I got that 'Halloween-murderer-around-the-bush' creeps as I strolled through the subdivision here in Lowry. And at one point, some type of mammouth bug jumped out and bit/hit my leg. I was like a city boy parody then jumping with an EEK. I'm still warming up to Mountains, hell they scare me more than Times Square at 3am. Even still, my evening walk tonight was amazing with my favorite type of evening weather, beautiful homes, peace, street lamps, breeze-oh so good for the soul.

I noticed that in 2009 I had written in my blog how New York was now permanently my home, and how I loved/hated it-and look at me now all up in Colorado's grill. Hmmf Life is unexpected isn't it? I have been very blessed since I got here to Denver. A wonderful place to live, new amazing friends that have basically fallen in my lap in the most miraculous ways, new work as an artist once again. SO excited to start my Theatre Aspen job in a couple of weeks. It fills me with a deep sense of gratitude. But my nature always seems to be one of 'seeking'. And although most signs lean toward me staying here the verdict is still out if I will permanently make Colorado my home. I love Denver I now viscerally understand why the late great John Denver sang so passionately about it here lol. But also part of my soul is still in New York. And even a bit in my hometown Chicago. Maybe it's the Libra in me. Something astrological, this seeking. Part of my journey I guess. But when I look back on all I've done thus far in my years, particularly my brave jumps to live in different states and cities I feel really proud of myself.

As I finished my walk I looked up at the night twinkling starry sky and said an audible 'thank you'. I know it sounds corny but I believe you need to send out that energy to God and the Universe when you feel it so strongly. Whispered prayers of gratitude. Always the seeker I try to stay present and not seek too much but stay and enjoy. 'Wherever you go, there you are'. Except tonight I couldn't stay...at least in the house. Excited to see what next is in store for me......

Nothing that happened yesterday can limit the miracles that are available today. The universe is all-loving, therefore all forgiving. It holds nothing against you. It is always ready to start over. Only your own condemnation of self or others can stop the otherwise constant flow of miracles into your life.--Marianne Williamson.

Happy Holidays to you and yours! With the accessibilty of Facebook I barely post here on blogger'land anymore. Denver is an amazing city, been here for three months and I am constantly amazed by the dynamic of hospitality in this state. I have made new friends in a short amount of time and I continue to be faithful and trusting the future holds great things. I miss New York at times but I feel I made the right choice. Here's me in front of the beautiful City and County building of Denver.

Merry Hannukah Kwanza Christmas Holidays to you and yours!

Facebook-a Caselook.

I’m becoming an old fuddy duddy. Or should I say, a faceb’uddy duddy.

Lets all talk about Facebook shall we? I’ve been hearing more and more a frightening concept; That Facebook is a legitimate form of friendship.

What what?

I was anti-facebook for years. Nooo I am not joining that book du face I would snipe. I had already caved with Friendster (remember him?) and Myspace and I refused to have another profile floating out in cyber land. Now like everyone else, I’m hooked. I love seeing new photos, statuses, events and I relish thinking in third person status updates daily. It’s an undiagnosed sickness I tell you. I know a few people out there who have never even jumped on the facebook bandwagon, and they may be the smartest ones out there. Of course they are urban legends aren’t they, sort of like the Lochness monster and Bigfoot. You hear about them but you’re not 100% sure they exist.

I read this quote in an MSN article recently by a young girl about to graduate college. This age seems to be the largest component of the FB idealism and movement.

"In college, there's a total dependence on texting and Facebook to flirt and communicate. And then we graduate and don't know how to be real people."

Again I say….what what? We definitely have a problem here Houston.

Listen, Facebook is great it’s a fun keep in touch forum, it’s entertaining and a good time passer. But with all its good points, it seems to have begun to change the course of human connection a bit for the worse. I remember a time I didn’t text I didn’t facebook. And in many ways I was more present. Life was real time. There were of course, telephone chats with the telephone attached to the wall with a cord mind you. Now that’s modern connection my friends!

There are two schools of thought here; Facebook is for keeping in touch with friends. Facebook is a networking site. Which one are you? Do you have 300 friends or 1600? Do you really keep up with all 1600 of those people? Do you absolutely need that many folk knowing what you had for lunch or if you got divorced? Maybe you’re a bit of both. There’s even proof that FB can hurt your finances, say if your employer catches you bad mouthing the boss and cans you or debt collectors use it to track you down. Oh Facebook you naughty meddler.

Some people use statuses to vent their frustrations, announce their husband was cheating on them, when they went to bathroom, addresses of where they’re at. Does no one believe in privacy and discretion anymore? And then of course there’s the facebook ‘friend delete’. I personally believe in the delete. Some people feel it’s the equivalent of a guillotine or drive by shooting like you actually ended a 'friendship'. If we passed each other in the hall in high school 23 years ago, you say mean comments or we met once with never another hello I sense a buh-bye in the future. I don’t want everybody knowin my biz’ness necessarily anyway there’s something to be said about privacy.

Now I know there’s some facebook youngin’s out there who may disagree with this analysis completely and defend their stalwart hero Facebook. Facebook….you da’ bomb! I think the most important factor to always keep in mind here is; are you out there living your life as well? There are a lot of lonely people sitting behind their screens and I know at times it can heighten my own sense of isolation say if, on a Friday or Saturday night, I find myself at home perusing facebook pages feeling like everybody else out there is having a great weekend and I just sat on my couch eating potato chips. And then some friendships the pattern has started to be that you only communicate through facebook .Say no people! Nothing can take away from face to face time. That is real friendship. Let’s enjoy facebook for what it is but also take a stand to prevent it from destroying the earth in one cataclysmic farmland application. Trust me when I say your life will be better if you put down the Facebook and texting and get out of your apartment. I’m going to take my own advice here too. Maybe Oprah will jump on this! Oprah!

So listen up people born anytime after 1990: Facebook is not friendship. It is merely a network tool, a mass email website, formatted fun words on a computer screen. Log off and live.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go update my status…

I’m on a spiritual awakening toward food bliss enlightenment.

Well…to put it another way I’z like healthy food. I want food to be my source of life and not depletion of it-in terms of making me sick, stomach aches, food allergies, feeling blue. We really are what we eat and in my case if I don’t try to eat good I pay for it in a number of ways. Doesn’t mean I don’t want the ole junk food all the time. I’m a Midwestern raised kid afterall. And I may or may not have had a corn dog on Sunday.

But I digress.

The reasoning behind this is two fold; My father died of congestive heart failure 10 years ago so I’m hoping to avoid this same fate being of his off’springage. I don’t hold any promises that I for sure can control that it’s all in the cards I’ve been dealt. but I’m sure gonna try. My pop was a meat and potatoes guy while I enjoy edamame, smoothies and brown rice dishes he probably would have stared blankly at. And the 2) reason is in my late 30’s I notice what I eat adversely or positively affects how I feel, physically and mentally. It’s really a no brainer (or should I say ‘whole grainer’ *nyuk nyuk nyuk ) And I find the whole thing very worthwhile like investing in my self. Like I’m my own Buick and I’m getting regular oil changes and taking care of the engine. A Thaddrolet, if you will.

I went to see a nutritionist in the fall, Dr Anthony. Great guy. I didn’t continue with the 4 months he originally proposed because my insurance didn’t cover holistic nutrition. But I wholeheartedly put to task everything he suggested. Seeing him, gaining his advice, reading the literature he offered has definitely lead me toward a more healthy feeling Thadd at least 88% of the time. And I look pretty good too if I do say so.That being said I’d like to offer some of my own personal pointers that I feel have made a huge difference in my ‘feeling good’ eating and living life. I don’t propose to be a doctor, nutritionist, expert, Dr. Oz, Oprah- so please no letters to the station chiding my uninformed ways. Each person is different and I think you have to find what works for you but I think nature and God has provided us with everything we need healthy eating wise without all the processed poop that is shoved down our throats literally and figuratively. So that being said, here are my top 10!

1) I drink rice milk or almond milk. Easier to digest and deeelicious. I use it on cereal, smoothies, oatmeal, pancake mix. Lessoning dairy has definitely decreased stomach problems I had without a shred of a doubt. And you don’t notice the difference really. Unless you’re making a tub of grandma’s thick and rich macaroni and cheese. Then maybe, not so much go for the real deal.

2) I’ve added more grains to my diet. I mean like A LOT more if left to my own devices. Brown rice, fibery cereal like kashi oat crunch, quinoa, barely, beans. Downstairs at my office deli they have the most unique and fiber rich salads like quinoa, lentil, cous cous mixes; Yummo. I try to sample them all and its just become part of my eating habits. And another pro' is….keeps ya’ regular. ;)

3) I don’t drink soda. Ok that’s not completely true I do once in a while. I drink flavored seltzer mostly. Trust me I loved soda growing up, happiness was Dr Pepper even in my 20's. Now when I do drink soda it’s like half a glass and that cuts the craving usually. I want the quenching’ness of water or seltzer overall now. Soda is just too sweet and syrupy. And lawd’ the chemicals they put in soda you might as well put brake fluid down your gullet. The body is a clear messenger of what it wants and what it doesn’t, I always notice my throat sort of closing up when I drink soda like its saying ‘NOOOOO Thadd ’. One exception I looooove is Maine Root flavored blueberry soda with pure cane juice. No high fructose corn syrup there and oh my gaaaaaaa it's so tasty *slurp.

4) Water water water. I drink it all day long. I try to drink it at room temperature too (research shows it’s better on the digestive tract) . And get this, the nutritionist also said don’t drink it WITH your meals it interferes with your digestive juices. Drink your liquids before and after meals. Isn’t that crazy? But it works! I’ve made the change and I notice a difference.

5) Exercise. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. And when I didn’t have a membership I ran outside. You do what ya’ gotta do to get those endorphins flowing.

6) Avoid dairy. As a generality not something any of us can do all the time. I love cheese (Mmmm pizza) But are we really meant to be consuming things from animals teets? I dunnoooo. I notice when my dairy intake is low I feel easy digestion’. That is, I don’t feel anything. I’m pretty sure I’m lactose intolerant too so this is a good rule for me to strive for.

7) When I get salads, I make it healthier by having olive oil and lemon juice as my dressing. With a dash of salt and pepper too. Sometimes pesto deeeelicious.Regular dressings will seem too heavy once you have it this way. And I load up on the veggies and heart healthy dark greens & olives.

8) Read up a bit on Ayurveda. Ayurveda is a 5,000-year-old system of natural healing that has its origins in the Vedic culture of India and Traditional Chinese Medicine. It provides guidelines on ideal daily and seasonal routines for your diet, behavior and the proper use of food, meditation, etc for your body composition. You take this test that shows what your body type is, called your ‘dosha’ and you make certain adjustments in your life from eating less spicey foods to oils and breathing. Life changing I tell you, google it right now.

9) Fruits and veggies. And fruits by themselves usually within an hour after or before eating. And almonds I try to have a handful of almonds or walnuts every day.

10) Eat slow and enjoy your food! This is your time to nourish and thank your body.

Thanks for reading this. I think writing this was very good for me. It reminds me I have made much progress in eating better (Even when I eat that cheese dog, and for the record that is my biggest weakness; salty meats like Hot dogs, salami, pastrami, ham. Ok now I’m craving it. And potatoe chips) And I fall off the wagon all the time. Sometimes I can trick my body and give it a soy cheese dog or tofu bologna with all the fixin’s. And my Thadd body will say ‘Thanks bud’. Then at times it catches on and says ‘ F’ UUUUUUUUUUU BITCH I WANT THAT HOT DOG NOWooooo !!!” Then I give in. I know I will never be able to eat healthy all the time but striving to is something that feels good…for my tummy and my soul.

Will my Thaddrolet engine keep churnin’? Stay tuned food mongers…

Paris France! Amazing time. Details to come.....

Often we hear the phrase ‘people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.’ I always loved that phrase but I think somewhere in my Pollyanna youthful naivety I believed anyone who came into my circle would remain there- even for a lifetime. Relationships have not panned out that way and nor should they have. But oh how I have misguided myself somewhere along the path.

The reality is: people come in and out of our lives and some people you may never see or talk to again. I have met and worked with many it’s just not feasible to have every relationship pan out long term even with the surface connection of Facebook. And as I get older I accept this rite of passage. Well, maybe not accept completely but attempt to understand and embrace. Trying to view relationships as valuable for whatever their time table is more miracle minded . It’s particularly cyclical in New York where by definition careers are nurtured, not relationships.I was recently watching a very poetic and interesting documentary on New York from it’s inception in the 1600’s. It stated how New York was the stopping ground from the beginning which would dictate the societal and political climate of America as we know it. How millions came here en masse to pursue this dream of financial wealth and prosperity. And even today New York holds this mystical allure, this place where ‘anything is possible’. NYC- the agenda oriented city. But with that anything is possible comes ruthless ambition and emotional disregard. It’s a double edged sword really. You crave connection but you’ve chosen to live in that agenda and then real connection can be, well…fleeting.

There have been seasonal relationships for me over the years. Big one was with a friend and roommate I loved in Chicago. We had one disagreement and she ended our friendship with no discussion. I learned a lot about myself from that. Most recently I had a friend I met at an audition a couple of years ago whom to me at least, felt like a solid genuine connection. We talked, we texted. I visited him at his job and we laughed and talked about everything. But slowly I came to realize he was the illusive 'New York actor people collector’- looking for fans in their entourage rather than living, breathing friendship. All of the effort was coming on my part. I stepped back for my own dignity to see what happened. And guess what? I never heard from him again. I realize I am accountable because I choose to believe these brief liaisons are more lasting than they were originally intended. And then my frustration and expectation sabotages the deal when I actually express that to them and they run for the door. I guess if you feel a looming disconnect it’s best to just cut your losses and move on. Dating here is the worst regarding this. There’s just a lot of narcissism in New York you absolutely need to keep your blinders up, feet planted firmly on the ground and accept the reality. And try to remain open too as much as you can. It’s a dance it’s a balance- holding on and letting go.

The spiritual study The Course in Miracles says there are ‘three levels of teaching’ in a relationship. First being a ‘casual encounter’, second being a ‘more sustained relationship’ where two people enter into an intense teaching/learning experience then appear to separate, and the third level being a relationship once formed last all our lives. Author Marianne Williamson says the second and third levels are where intense healing happen showing us the barriers to love we put up and how these relationships illuminate that. I can really relate and feel like if you have that information you are prepared for relationship endings. Not try to control it, but trust those meant to be near to me will be.

Makes the people who have been there for you year after year that much more treasured doesn’t it? Letting you be who you are with flaws, good days, bad days- Makes you so grateful for their consistent presence. Tell them today how grateful you are. And embrace the flux of the reason, season or lifetime relationship…out with the Pollyanna and in with the reality.

Last night I performed in the play reading THE HEAD OF MARY at the Ohio Theatre in Soho. It was the first time I’ve been on a stage in over two years. Truth be told I absolutely loved performing again! Of course I would read the phonebook or play a tree bush for this particular director I love her. So when she asked me to do this I felt the reverberating ‘YES’ inside that Oprah mentions and agreed. How great to once again be utilizing the ‘artist’ inside me versus the corporate me. It was good for my spirit.

Some friends have asked me as of late why I’m not performing anymore. I kept feeling like I wanted to write about it and also to just clarify it for myself. For the record, I haven’t left performing completely I still go to the occasional agent call. But I feel like I’ve been on a permanent sabbatical (is that a phrase?). I had a singing gig in Feb and one in the fall but aside from that nada. Nor have I had the desire really. I am doing fine with the occasional stints (and of course singing in my apartment!). My buddy Vance told me at the recent gig ‘you still got it Thadd’. That made me happy. But all in all I am in-limbo artistically.

The last three years of performing I wasn’t happy. Particularly in theatre. That quiet voice inside me kept reverberating ‘ Thadd why are doing this? This is not fulfilling you bouncing around with pogo sticks and yelling at people onstage’. I didn’t want to be other people anymore I just wanted to be me and I definitely did not enjoy auditioning or the lifestyle. Many performing friends I know have gone through this same journey of self awareness. Some have left the business altogether. Some continue on and are miserable. Some have restructured how much they do it. Some continue on performing and love it. Different strokes and for all of them I respect whatever decision they’re making.

I think the main reason I’ve stopped is because…I’m healthy inside. Or at least I’m getting there. I’ve worked so much on self and am more interested in life’s other potentials. There’s something about the business of performing that seems way too much ‘of the ego’. Craving too much attention from others and having too many shallow theatre friendships. Displaced narcissism. I think a lot of performers are not addressing insecurities that brought them to the stage originally and that’s not conducive to growth. Sometimes what they think they get from it only gives the illusion of fulfillment, the illusion of contentment. Use your gifts, yes, but keep the ego in check and address why you’re doing it. I have a great job working 30 hrs a week with amazing benefits and low stress. I’m out early enough to have the rest of my day to do whatever I want. I’m extremely grateful to just have a job with the economy. I volunteer when I can. I get outside go to the gym and feel strong in body. I still love New York and Brooklyn after 8 years and take advantage of all that it has to offer. All in all I am a very blessed individual.

Yesterday, as show time drew near, I was completely and utterly convinced no one would come see this. It was Memorial Day it was Monday people are busy. What an amazing treat to see the audience filled and SEVEN of my friends afterwards! It meant so much I was soooo happy they came but more happy to just see them and spend time with them afterwards. I think it’s very important to not let your artist and the God given gifts you have lie dormant definitely definitely use them. My agent said to me years ago “I don’t think this is going to happen for you until your 40’s”. I find that very interesting. So maybe come my 40th birthday I’ll start again. Hello Tylenol and Sears commercials!I am very grateful for being reminded last night that I am still an artist deep inside. And with that valuable spiritual information, I continue on….










With director Sonoko Kawahara.

As some of you may or may not know I just spent the last two weeks as a grand juror. Suffice to say it was not enjoyable. About ten years ago I served on a trial jury for like two days, and found that experience incredibly insightful. When I was first picked for this two weeks ago I was so upset, acquiescing to the fact that I’d be removed from work, my life etc for two long weeks. The wardens told us be glad it was only two weeks that most grand jury’s can go on for months. I left defeated, called my HR manager at work and begrudgingly showed up at supreme court Monday for my first of what would be two weeks of judicial yuckiness.

For those of you who don’t know a GRAND Jury is not a trial jury ala Amy Buttofuco or OJ Simpson. A trial jury is one that decides someone’s guilt or innocence. A Grand jury is prior to that and decides whether to INDICT someone based on legally sufficient evidence that a crime was in fact committed and then move it forward. Grand Jury’s (23 people, 12 to indict) hear case after case and are not used much anymore in most states but ironically New York and my home state of Illinois still use them. If any of you get called in for grand jury call me immediately for advice. Preferably show up in a bikini, slightly deranged, put a beach towel down in the court room and pretend to be sunbathing. Go for certifiably insane instead of rational and speaks English as I did.

Legally I cannot talk about any of the cases that the district attorneys presented. But there were some serious ones involved and I had a hard time getting through some. As a rule I don’t watch the news, read the papers too much. I don’t want to know all the crimes being committed I feel it adds to an anxious state of mind. I want to know of the wonderful things being done in the world. Energy begets energy I feel and I want to focus on the good.

Most of the cases were monotonous torturously long legal terms, monotonely droned by the lawyers. I literally almost fell asleep a couple of times particularly with some who needed a lesson in theatre performance basics; volume, articulation, presentation that strives to be more exciting than a box of hair. We nicknamed many of them from ‘Punky Brewster’ to ‘Small Wonder’ to ‘Mutt & Jeff. I’m thinking I may start my own crash directing school for beginning D.A.’s in these concepts. Side job anyone?

Although I am hoping I never serve again, I did learn a lot these past couple of weeks; I learned my memory is going and it may be time to strengthen the ole ginkgo biloba brain cells. I learned that I am a good moral person who was meant to be there & weigh in my vote with the open heart I possess. I learned a huge lesson in patience with moronic fellow jurors who put their feet up on the stands and belittled the rest of us. I learned some lawyers are hotties. I learned the law is in place for a reason and I can’t help but respect it, despite the fact that it doesn’t always reflect true spiritual justice. I learned In God we trust and in our own hearts we trust. Not too shabby I'd say.Here’s to another 10 years of non civic duty but always...to personal growth

In honor of August, I want to take this musing blog time to remember my late wonderful father Arthur Richard Krueger. It's been ten years since his passing, and although it sounds trite to say, a part of me has never been the same since he left earth.

But the loss is not the purpose of this posting. The celebration is.

In lue of this, I actually was chosen to talk about him on www.storyboardaudio.com, a sort of online NPR American Life site in the coming weeks. Details to follow stay tuned...

So often you read of the passing of loved ones with a deep sadness....longing....a crushed devastation. For me, it is very sad that he died, yes, but the feeling is more complex. It only 'hurts' when I dwell in his death or the circumstances surrounding it (he passed at a theatre I was working at). And I’ve discovered the last couple of years his death affected me in my other relationships in multiple ways. Very enlightening. When I celebrate him, who he was, the times we were together it is a warm feeling that is with me throughout the day. I prefer just thinking of him warmly in this way. Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and see so much of him in my features, my spirit… and that is, well...pretty spectacular.

My Dad was such a sweetheart. I took him for granted when he was alive but he sure was amazing. Super gregarious, consistently present and always laughing. You always felt uplifted around him. My Mom says my grandfather (his Dad) was even more of this gregarious ilk. She said he was like my Dad times 3. My grandfather died when I was 6 months old so I never knew him. I think some of the best parts of me come from my father. I wonder if it's genetic? :) Born in 1939, Arthur Richard Krueger was an only child. He had a brother who died at childbirth but was raised by my grandparents singularly. He was an active sports oriented kid and when he became an adult went into the airforce and became an award winning golfer, and played semi professional baseball in CA (of course, who does he have as a son but little theatrical Thadd who couldn't throw a baseball to save his life... but he took it all in good stride). Rumor has it (rumor being Mom) that when he first saw my Mom at the bank they worked at together he walked straight into a glass wall with a thud (which later caused courtship, marriage and a TH-add, not a Thudd). He also was quite the stud dating three girls at the same time when he and my mother met. My Mother being the one woman-man she was wouldn't stand for that for long and quickly put the kabosh on it, telling him "You want to date, then you're going to have to date ONLY me". I can't make this sh** up people.

One of my favorite memories of him was when Hailey’s comet came down in 1986. One crisp summer night we got up at 4am and drove to the nearest high grass hill to try and see it's celestial overcast. There was a palpable aliveness that night staring up into the night sky with my Pop. Maybe now it was more about the quality time I was spending with him then seeing the comet. Haileys only makes an appearance every 75 years. Maybe every 75 years is the rate when father and son really bond...we sure did that night.

When I was little, I also was big on ‘projects’. I would make large wooden Star Wars memorabilia, movie projections, fake styrofoam doors, anything that struck my imagination from some particular movie. I was pretty imaginative as a kid. He would always help me create my fun house toys, collaborating, going to the store with me to buy the materials. I’m sure my intense, kinetic and imaginative brain was a handful for any Father but he never complained. We would create my little dream worlds together and I felt like he understood me deep inside…that is until the giant Mom upstairs would tell us to dismember my new large creations to clear out space in the laundry room (sorry Mom!). Since my Dad died at a theatre I felt a stigma in the Chicago community for years after his death like I was the boy ‘whos father died at a theatre’. I’m sure some of it was self imposed but not all. I think it was one of the reasons I left Chicago (which turned out to be the BEST choice for me) but it was an odd mixture of emotions. I remember reaching out to another actress at the theatre months later who’s Mother had died the same summer only to discover her intial reaching out to me was more of social convention than a genuine interest in our mutual loss. Another lesson in life I suppose. I do know you really find out who your friends are in a times like that and, although I would have preferred to just get a phone call rather than what happened I am glad I got to be with him right up to the end. Or is there an end really? I believe, afterall, he lives on within me.

I miss my Dad. I have gone on with my life some good some bad. But there are times I sure wish he was around. What a special guy he was. Hailey’s Comet is coming back in 2061. If I'm alive I'll be 89 yrs old.....in my rocker and porch with silver hair sipping my anti-oxidant Ensure…seeing it’s bright light in the night sky you can bet who I'll be thinking of then.

It’s summer in New York and I’m restless.

Thank God I bought an air conditioner last month (Frigidaire 6000 BTU). *whew, sleep has never been better. And next week, I start orientation for New York cares volunteer organization. I’m really looking forward to this.

I’ve been looking at photos of my past. My life in general pre-New York--living with my parents (simple) Living in Chicago (stagnant) and even college (back to restless) Melancholy is the word that creeps into my head. Wow, I just want to drive in a car again have that private sanctuary where you can collect your thoughts, listen to music before arriving at your destination. The subway doesn’t allow you that pleasure.Which is why millions of people on the subway have their ipod buds shoved firmly in their oblivious ears. They’re bringing the sanctuary to themselves.

Talked with a friend about life/growing up in the Midwest. How we miss our former selves sometimes .We both quipped:“The priorities are not straight in New York. The priorities are straight in the Midwest. People are happy getting up, getting their kids ready for school, driving to work, coming home, going to dinner with friends. It’s not that way here. It’s always reaching for something big." Returning, he was snippy with the dystopia that is NY, people on the streets not saying thank you, holding open doors etc. I was completely with him on this, you feel like you’ve learned the truth of manners growing up elsewhere and no one gave the memo to certain New Yorkers.

Lately, it seems, I do not leave Brooklyn on weekends avoiding Manhattan at all costs and sort of re-grouping there before the work week. The last 7 months or so have been major re grouping time. I haven’t been feeling the performing bug at all I’m just working and living and breathing as best I can. Auditioning and schmoozing to get ahead to some imposed destination all seems so shallow to me, at least presently. I mean, I get it I’ve been there I get that some people really love performing and it’s in their blood. I myself am missing my singing voice used to full capacity. But maybe instead friends? Love? Volunteer work? Living life? Health? Today at Starbucks while having a frappachino with Erin, I noticed this guy I did a show with standing at the bathroom door across from me. Truth be told, deep down I didn’t really like him there was always something about him I didn’t trust. He didn’t say hello to me and I didn’t say hello to him and it felt as it should be. I remember he once said “Other actors are for f***ing not for relationships” I couldn't believe it. He is simply a former co worker and that was ok.

I have really taken stock the last couple of years of people I have done shows with who are not true friends and excavated myself from their company. In show biz, your community is constantly overturning and it’s not mature or wise to believe that all people in that temporary community have your best interests at heart. Maybe we are all yearning for community. I think it’s important to listen to that inner voice that could potentially be guiding you to a different chapter of your life. And ask your spirit regarding the people around you ‘Do I feel uplifted around this person? Or do I feel drained and disrespected? There lies your answer.I also am coming to realize that effort, say when you are feeling lonely, has to come from you. Call up your friends. Reach out. Ask them to spend time with you if you’re feeling low. Life can be hard some days and it's ok to lean on each other. And by now you know who really loves you anyway, don’t you? Yes you do because you are one smart cookie, gentle reader.

I think it’s time to take a vacation out of here. The 6 month mark has arrived and the restlessness continues. But in the meantime, I hear the air conditioner kicking on….and with it, my uttmost thadditude gratitude.

I'm still in love with New York. 6 years and it's a love/hate relationship. Some days I hate human bodies so much, but most days it's love. When I see snippets of small hometown life, I appreciate it--I have a reverence for it--but know it's not for me anymore.

I've said it before but moving to New York was the best thing I have ever done. Initially, I moved here like everyone else full focus on my performing career. But over the years, performing is taking more of a back seat, and I realize it's what got me here, but just BEING in this energy and growing is the REASON I remain. Performin' Shmormin! For now, I am content with where I'm at. Moment by moment. Living in the present. Grow and live my life.

I've compiled my own subjective list of the ten best things and the ten worse things about living here. I think it's pretty right on people, all my fellow New Yawk peep's let me know.

TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK:

1. There is always something to do from shows, concerts, restaurants and jobs.

2. Exposure to every nationality, creed, race, attitude, and dynamic of person.

3. Some of the best food I have ever eaten, particularly Italian, Thai, and Mediteranean.

4. Shopping is unparalled, you can literally find anything you need--and for cheap if you know where to look!

5. Iced green bubble tea.

6. Full dating pool.

7. There is always some job you can get to make money.

8. Battery Park, Central Park, Prospect Park, Botanical Gardens and the view of Manhattan from Hoboken, NJ.

9. This palpable karmic energy that what you put out you get back. Especially on the streets, a sort of fast paced pulsating amoeba that takes you with it.

10. Four words; Sex and the City.

TEN WORSE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK.

1.The subway; pushing, prodding, fighting for space. Subway etiquette is THE worse.

2. If you're tired, aint New York stoppin for you. You have to go with flow. Hesitation is death.

3. Some days it reeks beyond belief.

4. With the good people come the bad people. And some of them are B-A-D, ouchie wa wa.

5.True destitution is on the streets. Homeless people hurting, poverty, criminals. At times you have to turn a blind eye to survive.

6. Most starbucks, retail and fast food employees do not want to help you. Even though they are standing behind the counter. And are getting a paycheck. And have nametags.

7. It's impossible to find a bathroom in Manhattan when you really need one.

8. People constantly spitting. WHY WHY WHY?

9. $10 for a sandwich.

10. Two words; Dog Shit. On the street.

Let truth be told, I had a harder time coming up with the worse things list, so maybe thats a good thing. So that, as they say, is THAT.

Finally, the photo above is the view from my office window....I mean, look at that. It has started to become like a flat painting to me but sometimes I just stand there....fully present...and take it all in. It's breathtaking. No question, I was meant to live here...I belong.

"Like a rat in a cage/pulling minimum wage...like a death in the hall/that you hear through the wall...but you're still the one pool where I'd happily drown..." LCD Soundsystem's NEW YORK..

The perfect Brooklyn night;

Tonight was something special; And not because of anything grandiose, but merely just because…well, because, like a present moment it just-was.

I have been in a flux this past week. I promised on my facebook status I would get out of my comfort zone this weekend. Do something out of the norm for me; sailboat, workshop, biking, travel upstate, skydive, SOMETHING. New York has tons of activities to offer and most nights lately I can be found on the couch on my computer, at the gym or talking on the phone. No reason to slug my life away when there is so much to offer out there right?

Sure enough, when I got home from work tonight my predictable pattern of surfing the net and sitting my ass on the couch started to rear it’s stagnated head. My inner voice said resoundingly NO! and 5 minutes later with wallet and keys in hand I was out the door and up the 5 steep blocks to Prospect Park. And outside the weather was perfect.

For those of you who don’t know what Prospect Park is, let me tell you it’s just about the best park in the tri state area aside from famed Central. Smaller, closer with just as much to offer and more convenience. Last summer I spent a lot of time there, and as spring is in the air I can feel this summer beckoning the same. Although this summer is not last summer. This summer I am ME this summer. The tides have turned more.

Strolling through the sidewalks, jogging paths and hills I am still amazed what a beautiful piece of nature is here right around the corner from my apartment. I stopped and sat on the grass next to a couple eating falafels. I don’t think they noticed me, nor cared really with the scope and surrounding architecture so amazing. I let my stresses go and my thoughts get quiet with God. They say prayer is speaking to God and the silence is God responding. Whatever it is, it works for me.

WHY don’t I do this more often? Now I walk by the most beautiful freshly flowered pink trees and just stood there and took it in. Just a moment-standing underneath it all. Nature really is astounding if you stop and be present with it. All the other people there obviously feel the same way I do so I’m sure I didn’t look too cookoo for cocoa puffs gazing lovingly at mr tree. The park is filled with people. I’m pretty intuitive so I can sense their different personalities, feel their energy. I saw two people in meditation 'Namaste-esque' poses in the grass. Dogs and soccer playing jockeys. Parents taking their families for a park stroll. Teenagers smoking weed on the corner bench. Wow even the dirt. I stopped and dug the dirt with the stick, can’t even remember the last time I did that. I almost forgot what dirt looks like! I stopped and bought a hot dog from the vendor, then moved on to the front of the park near grand army plaza. The best part was my final bench sitting, with this delightful woman and her dog Mel, and only 5 feet away a jugband brother-so-art-thou band playing full out folky rhythyms. They looked like they were having a ball, and those of us around them couldn’t help but feed off their enthusiasm. I looked up at the sky, noticed twilight was approaching and made my way back out toward Prospect Park west, it’s own historic street just outside the park equally as fascinating with its charm.

It was nice to escape my structured schedule tonight. No worries about money. No inner critics. No relationship concerns. I’m tellin y’all now, don’t forget about getting outside this beautiful spring. It’s absolutely essentially here in a city. This is what keeps me in awe and keeps me centered. At least…for now.

All in the all, the perfect Brooklyn night.

I copied this from a subway poem the first year I lived in New York. I think it says it best.

“You travel a path on paper
And discover you’re in a city
You only thought about before
It’s Sunday marketplace
Parakeets and finces are placed
On the stones
And poppies in transparent wrappings
How can you be where you never were?
And how did you find the way
With your mind your only measure?”

Okay so my friend Brian and Cindy have asked about when I am going to update my blog. So here is an entry (after months of poking around and no postings). This isn’t to say I have not been writing. A couple of my essays are so personal (which means they could be universally powerful perhaps?) that I can’t bring myself to post them just yet, I'm too shy. Regardless, I am starting to label myself as a ‘writer’ (although none of my works have been published, I’ve never written a book and I am still wading in the short stories for magazine articles pool). But nevertheless, we are what we think we are and I’m seein the big picture here. So, with that I continue pen to paper (eh.. finger to keyboard?).

Let us start by stating a couple of exciting facts in the world de Thadd;

1)They opened a 7 eleven by my apartment. I grew up in the Midwest. Need I say more?
Tres excitement.

2) My roommate and I painted and redecorated our living room. Think lavender plum, willow bark and new candles. Ikea would be proud.

3)I read EAT PRAY LOVE by Elisabeth Gilbert and I can’t say enough good things about it. So inspiring, in reading it I teared up as many times as I guffawed out loud at the wittiness. A must read.

4) India Arie will be on Broadway this summer. You can bet your ass I will be there.

Here’s a revisting of past blog oldie but goodies. My best friend Pat and I have been chatting lately about all the usual things we chat about. Life, liberty, money, American idol, relationships. Ours is a friendship (more of a brother-ship) going on 25 years now, so needless to say we’ve covered all topics from Gandi to traffic violations to best methods for snow removal. Well lately, he and I have been discussing conflicts in relationships. I think I’ve come to a big aha in my life regarding them. I want resolution and closure when relationships do not work out. And in the same breath, I think I seek out TOO many relationships thus spreading myself too thin. In dating sometimes (experts say to get out there and date date date play the field) and in friendships (hey, New York is a social place it’s nice to have options). The problem I run into is I have too much expectation that ALL my relationships should be close and bonding and spiritually enlightening. And that is not realistic. My friend Laurie once told me, ‘Thadd, you need to compartmentalize the types of friends you have. The multi facets; the close dear friend, the friend from work, the casual friend, the friend you go out and have fun with, the crisis friend, the friend of a friend”. This is very valuable information she shared with me, helps me immensely. I like to call it ‘different friends for different trends’. Here’s something else that I think is valuable information. No one is worrying as much about you as YOU are. Go about your life, do what makes YOU happy and don’t worry about other people. Let them do what makes THEM happy. And with that information, become acutely aware that sometimes the two may not blend, and you have two choices then; adapt and compromise for that person or move on. No relationship can be molded, fixed, it is something that exists in its own definition, in it’s own realm. It doesn’t serve either people if the relationship doesn’t uplift.

ONE exception to this is, the relationship that, if you let it, makes you grow if you stick with it. And with that I’d like to end with a quote from EAT PRAY LOVE. I hope you get out of it as much as I did. Viva the growth-ful relationship!

“Richard-from-Texas's explanation of what a soul mate really is (p. 149): "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change you life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."




“

It's official...

I am without question...without further wonder...

A black person trapped in a white persons body.

I saw Three Mo Tenors Off Broadway on Saturday and if ever there was a show for me, it's this one. I friggin loved it.

I'm so over being white, that's all I'm gonna say.

*sigh

Last Sunday I went with my peeps Brian, Kim and Erin to their friend place near Weehawken New Jersey.She is this sort of cute, small Vietnamese woman with an amazing condo overlooking Manhattan and I’m not kidding when I say I had the most amazing meal I have ever eaten. A sort of blend of chicken curry’s and red sauce shrimps and salads with a unique dressing over them. Better than any restaurant I have ever eaten at. I guess a couple of her recipes have been published and that is no surprise to me because I ate my weight in a small Vietnamese country there of all the delicious foods she laid out. Thank you God!

I also attended the wedding of my delightful friend Chris Kale Jones this past week, here’s a photo. Hes Frankie Vallie on the JERSEY BOYS tour til Jan go see him.

Been talking with some friends how a blog about the acting types I encounter at auditions is long overdue. For those of you not in the biz, the Equity open calls in New York are quite the show in and of themselves. Why hasn’t anyone written a show about this yet have they?(Chorus Line?) I may offend, and please forgive me if I do, but in the spirit of actory authenticity here are a few standouts:

1)Scary monitor person who is starved for attention to be onstage and is pretty much performing a one man/one woman show the entire time (Monitors are union members who oversee the auditions FYI)

2)20 something girl with full stage pancake makeup, fake eyelashes, rollered hair and an unrelenting desire to looking at herself constantly in any available mirror within eye shot. She often is making a “THRRRRRRRRRRRP’ lip warm up sound and asking whoever is next to her what they are singing, what voice type they are, who is their agent, what shows they have been in and what they think of LEGALLY BLONDE the musical.

3)Gay chorus dancer boy who has many of the 20 something girl traits listed above. His age can fall into higher or lower brackets however and can sometimes (though not always) have more of a nasal ping and Americas next top model walk.

4)Pompous theatre man (usually married) who is about 7 feet tall, business man haircut, wears penny loafers, cracks witty comments, talks shop with the fella’s and has played Emile in South Pacific, And any and all roles from all of Tennessee Williams plays. Mostly straight but can also fall into the category of closeted gay who thinks no one has figured that out yet. From Alabama or Florida.


5)Deep sullen quiet method actor type. Male or female. In full concentration mode of whatever sides or music or monologue they are about to zealously present. Often chattering out loud to no one, reciting their art and wearing sort of black turtleneck-y churchy buttoned up dark colored layers. Often will swear out loud if they have unfortunately missed when their name was called by the monitor. Something is deeply troubled about them, and they are looking to the vastly stable acting profession to give them healing they need from childhood.

6)Mother earth theatre woman. Late 50’s and above. Instantly calms the room as she enters peripatetically. She smiles at everyone, and you find yourself clamoring to connect with her so she can teach you her wise ways, and how the hell to last and stay sane in this crazy profession. Dramatic but no hint of pretension. Cast often as Mary Poppins or the grandmother in the tree types. Common names include Annie, Fran or Mary.

7)Opera singer wanna be musical theatre performer who sings I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM or AVE MARIA with enough breath support to blow over the manger.

8)Crazy 40 something woman with a headshot from 1980. Still coming to open calls, still asking where and when the show is, who’s directing, WHY the washrooms are not close by. She will then start knitting or playing cards and showing photos of her dog Fifi and lamenting how many shows she has done.

9)Sweet friendly ingénue type. Voted most popular in high school and not a shred of pretension in her body. Genuinely interested in your life, welfare outside of what show youre in. She is prepared, clean ironed dress and soft natural hair and makeup. 20’s-30’s. Can be raised by psychologist or doctor parents and asks you open ended questions about yourself. Smells like expensive perfume and wears character shoes and sings like a sista'.


And finally the worse, the most scandalous of all these people- the one you wouldn’t invite home to mother if someone paid you or offer your leftover twinkie to; bitter ball change burnt out actor singer (male, 30 something), has black framed glasses, paid his dues singing in grandmas basement, thinks he’s above it all, writes fervently in his blog and is oh so tired of all the other types…but pays them homage in journalistic fashion as only he can do.

:D

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players."

Oh yah yu betcha…,

I have just returned from Nashville last weekend and boy was it fun to be in the land of Dolly and Amy Grant. A bit too conservative for me to live permanently but I enjoyed visiting there for sure. In July I visited my Family which was a fulfilling visit back home to the land of ohs and ahs and cheeky cheese of delightful Appleton Wisconsin. I’m not originally from Wisconsin mind you my Mom moved up there to be close to my sisters family years ago. But this is where I go home now to see my family. With the Midwestern drawl of my ae vowel though I am often accused of being from Wisconsin but not true friends. Getting there is not that easy really it requires planes trains and automobiles galore. I have to take a train or cab to the airport, fly into Milwaukee then find my way up to Appleton Wisconsin from there. But needless to say, it’s worth it if you live moment to moment and enjoy the ride (sort of a metaphor for life right?).

We surprised my Mom this time she didn’t know I was coming in for a visit. My sister and I were in cahoots for weeks planning and my sister did an excellent job of keeping it hush hush. It came off without a hitch as Mom pretty much stared at me like she didn’t know who I was in shock. There is such a difference between New York and the Midwest. The guy at starbucks there gave my Mom a free iced tea just because she had a nice smile. Amazing. THIS is what I miss about the Midwest. I love the energy and pulse of my life in new york but I sure miss some of the simpler pleasures too like car rides, quiet lawn talks and chain restaurants. I’m probably repeating some of my blog entries here but it resurfaces for me. We all went to a water park and man was that fun. Um, I fell asleep in the chair outside which definitely wouldn’t happen anywhere near the big apple. I also completely abandoned my exercise and eating habits which was a most beautiful release. Hello bratwurst, pizza, ice cream, mac and cheese, suddenly salad, potatoe chips and Moms breakfast! Hey what else are vacations for?My friend Amber came up to see me that saturday (complete with us sneaking into a Radisson hotel to soak our feet in the pool) and my friends Amy and Nick on Monday (to eat the one final horrible meal at Perkins) and my trip home was complete.

Something that’s been on my mind lately is the process of people coming and going in your life. Two quotes come to mind, one from the musical WICKED;

“I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives, for a reason. Bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.”

The other is the basic people come into your lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Often if it is a reason, they or you will say something to end the relationship and that’s it. As I’m getting older, I’ve started to embrace this process rather than fight it. How have I contributed to these seasonal relationships? Is it their fault? Is it mine? What was I looking for in that relationship that I cant give myself? There have been times in the past where the finger of blame was pointed accusingly (myself being guilty too) but what I’m discovering is as you get stronger in self acceptance, people who may not be good for you fall away. And new people come in their place if you embrace their arrival. And these could have a season too you just don’t know. In some ways, we have no control over it it just is a right of passage in life. Ive always been someone who has a lot of friends and I have been good about pursuing and maintaining those. But I’m discovering this may not be working for me anymore. And that there is comfort being very clear who the people are in my life who have been with me through the good times and the bad times. Meeting new people is great, but there’s something to be said about spreading yourself too thin and knowing who your closest friends are. Friends, lovers, sometimes family….sometimes they have reasons and seasons. And does it serve either of you if you cling to something that is showing you its time to move on? To learn the lesson, to experience the season or to embrace the lifetime of the relationship. Maybe this is being finally an adult and sometimes it really bites....but to continue to wish these people well on THEIR journey and thank them for the lesson....