Life truly is ups and downs isnt it? Have finished the run of FOREVER PLAID, and with it, huge lessons to be learned. In this contract, there was NO ONE to listen to the concerns of the cast, no one to really appreciate the gifts you bring. TRUE proof of the benefit of the union. I guess it's ridiculous to expect support in every contract, union or non union but how wonderful when it has been there in the past. A test in self preservation and endurance. What can you do? Aside from this, what an amazing city filled with wonderful people, deep in substance, love and integrity. The good with the bad I suppose. I see the lessons so clearly, and try to remain grateful.

I am up for a couple of tours right now, and I am filming two independent films this summer; one back in Des Moines and another with Leospride entertainment in Kentucky. I am tossing around the idea of being in Chicago for the early part of the summer, and continuing working with my wonderful agent Renee in New York. There is always that struggle at the end of the contract, the reshuffling of your life. Again, "the actor must be comfortable with the uncomfortable."

Finally get to see my family here in Appleton Wisconsin. Played Batgammon with the nieces today. I suck at it :)

As promised, a shout out to the delightful Cindy Coakes, my personal heroine who informed me she reads my blog regularly. Thank you Cindy, this ones for you! :)

Ah as I head into my fourth month here in Iowa, things are a plenty...I havent journaled in forever-is anyone reading this except me? hee hee. Well whats new? I have been working out, enjoying the beautiful spring weather,just loving the people here in Iowa. I met Frankie Avalon over the weekend, the tour of GREASE was here and we hung with the cast. The show has been extended, and as Amber says "dont bite off the hand that feeds you." Lots on my mind...Been dating several people here, which has been quite enjoyable. I'm learning a lot about my patterns, expectations and living in the moment. Enjoying what each has to offer in the now as they say. I've been missing New York, my family and friends..but overall I am just great. I have become very spoiled with my structured life here, which in essence, is artificial, as once the contract ends I go back to my 'trying to act and be employed' life. But I have saved money and have even bought my very first laptop which I am thrilled about. Her name is Deliala the Dell :)The big thing I am learning is no matter how polished you believe your people skills are, you will always have to readjust to the gazillions of variance in people you meet, are working with etc. The world is turning at its own atlas, regardless of what I want or need it to be. Just being open to whatever lesson is there for you, whether its your level of patience, your need inside to be heard and validated, your insecurities...it's all a day by day process. And, as always the delicious elixirs of Starbucks continue to sustain me..thank you iced caramel decaf macchiato with whip :)

"When the soul is caught up in rigid identification with others in the world, it is not satisfied. In every soul there is an inherent drive toward truth, an inherent desire to feel fulfilled, real and free. Although many people are not able to pursue this desire effectively, the impetus toward the realization of the self is in all of us; it begins with the first stirrings of consciousness and continues through life whether or not we are directly aware of it. This impetus spontaneously emerges in consciousness as an important task for the psychologically and spirtually maturing human being. As maturity grows into wisdom in an optimally developing person, this task gains precendence over other tasks in life, progressively becoming the center that orients, supports and gives meaning to one's life, ultimately encompassing all of ones experiences."

-A. H. Almaas, The Point of Existence, p 16

Well PLAID is just about to open and I am thrilled the rehearsal process is just about behind me..we in the cast call it FA PLA in honor of our stage manager calling I LOVE YOU YOURE PERFECT NOW CHANGE 'LOVE PERF'. I have really learned alot about myself with this rehearsal process. I know I dont want to keep doing this regional bouncing around thing. I've done my share, I've been 'successful'. It's now a matter of listening to what my heart is telling me. And mine is telling me I dont need to do stage shows, particularly MUSICAL theatre to express artistically. Dancing and moving and harmony and lines and details and mic stands...not so much for me I'm thinking. I want the platform to be able to express myself in my own way and through my own vision, not those of a staff and director and choreographer..I dont do so well learning every element of a show in 8 days anyway, I want more of the freedom to be do what moves me specifically, and be more choosy with what I perform in. I know PLAID will be fun, and I am looking forward to the run, but I am filled with some new and profound insights for when it is over.I really think this is it for me and regional work for a long time. New York will have to open up a new artistic niche for me. *sigh* I digress. :)

Well here I am in Appleton Wisconsin. Lots of toll way connections so you get the full gamut of driving thought time.

Today on Oprah they were discussing Ruwanda and the unimaginably horrible things that are being done to women and children there. It truly made me emotionally distraught for the rest of the evening. Here, these people are going through inexplicable horror and I cant overcome my measly surmountable life issues.

We all have something. People in africa and the horrible abuse and torture. The victims of the Tsunami in Asia. I wish I could just feel blessed all the time, especially with what they have endured. We are blessed imensly that we are merely born in America and can walk the streets. However our problems are OURS. Despite the vastness of others pains, ours is our own and it still hurts. What is to be done?

Maybe if we could just understand that this may be our path in life, and that our goal is to let it pass through us, observed by us, but not feeding it. It is there to enlighten us to truly truly appreciate. It is what we 'assign' these thoughts that give us pain. The story of the boy who asked his father of the loving wolf and the evil wolf that lives within each of us, which wolf will take over, and to this the father answers: The one we feed the most.

So that's my brain gaspacho today.

I leave for Iowa this weekend to do FOREVER PLAID for four months! I'm excited about it, and again I feel blessed for the work and the experience. The acting profession remains however, not real life, and not what is really important. It is merely something you do, not who you are. Prayers to the people who need it.


"And whatever yours labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all it's sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."
~"Desiderata"

Holy Happy New Year Batman! Here I am in Illinois packing Mom up for her big move Thursday. It's a bit overwhelming since I am someone who lives in New York with the basics and Mom has tons of things I want to purge like a makeover show. I'm glad I can be here for her though. Being back in the midwest is like a much needed spiritual medication. My friend Amber is back here too for this week, and last night we discussed how we feel like we are on a hamster wheel in New York: vying, running, pushing to get ahead, wherever that is, and when you get back here, you can breathe again. The fast pace of New York and Los Angeles, and all the cities where people are trying to 'make it' is not real life, real life is here in the smaller lands of the US. THIS is where people have their priorities straight and man do you lose it in New York. I suddenly realized how rude I was talking on my cell phone in a restaurant here. Oy! Thursday I was in Boston, Friday I was in New York and Friday afternoon I was here in Illinois. Wowsa, my life sometimes. This New Year I resolve to really try and trust God and trust my decisions and trust trust trust that I am being led where I need to be. Quotes for now:

"Spend time with people who appreciate you. And show it with their words and actions"

"Self love, my liege is not so vile a sin as self neglecting."- Shakespeare

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."-Booker T. Washington



"

"I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

Abraham Maslow

"At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you."

Unknown

Merry Christmas! This will be my first in New York. Although I am seperated from my family this year, I feel content to be spending it here. I am thinking about a lot of things this Xmas; Christmas should be healing shouldnt it? Why do I feel basically neautral about it? I am select with the love I give. Like when you are working with people who constantly insult others and make fun of others : then, in that process, I lose my sense to love. Meaning my love comes conditionally to people. And it seems it is more than environmental, the theory that people who berate are hurt inside. Sometimes they are just plain nasty inside. Then what? I have a tendency to want to defend against this. How do you remain loving? Peace inside this is my Christmas list.

So what else is going on? Hmm. I lost my cellphone yesterday in Manhattan. You dont realize how 'attached' you are to a cellphone til its gone. Good lesson in 'attachment' I suppose.

I am being pursued by a really unique and cool band, The Boston based Kahootz for their main male vocalist (www.kahootz.net) I am going up to Boston next Thursday to meet with them. We'll see. That would mean relocation to Boston.

I met Keri Russell (Felecity) yesterday!! I'm a huge fan of the late great show. I went to see FAT PIG Off B'way which she is in.

Happy Holidays!
Love (sometimes conditionally :)
Thadd

Back from Atlanta Georgia! It's so plush and architecturally beautiful there, and I like the southern Georgian manners too. The group of people on this tour are out of control, and we spend much of the time laughing, much of it at each other. Not WITH each other mind you but AT hee hee...this tour has also been the tour of celebrities at the airport, namely James Earl Jones, Susan Lucci and this past friday I met RuPaul! Interesting fellow, so quiet out of drag. Although it was 6:00am in the morning.Good times good times. As Christmas approaches, I am reminded of some of my favorite quotes..."Doubt means don't do anything until you DO know."-Oprah, "When people reveal to you who they are, believe them the first time."-Maya Angelou.This ones is resonatin for me oh baby! :)

It's Dec 1st and the holiday songs are a playin. In the bus terminal, in stores, on the street. Yesterday, my friend Amber and I tried to go to the tree lighting ceremony at Rockefeller. Impossible my friends wowsa. Evidently, fans of the famous shrubbage arrived at 2pm to our 5pm! We had delicious Thai food instead. I showed her my favorite church in Manhattan, the actors chapel. Amber said "Thadd you really utilize all the entire city has to offer." She's right,I suppose. Ever since I've moved here, I wander aimlessly at times and ingest everything New York has to offer. This being in lieu of some times of unemployment :)Nah, I'm getting cast and callbacks so no complaints here. Now I'm having to turn things down, which blows because the heart wants to be performing now. It's now or never. Going out on my second round this weekend for Suave, this time to my hometown yay! I haven't been back in 6 months so I'm really looking forward to it. Ah but the questions remain...and the growth continues....

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Take care of yourself so you have a resevoir to give to other people. I heard this today and it was after a day where I exercised and tried (tried is the key word here) to eat healthier. It's mid November and life is rollin along. Jeez its gotten cold all of sudden, *ahem where was the fall? Had a callback for FOREVER PLAID, and am taking action to ensure I get seen for Fiyero replacement in WICKED. I LOVE that show. BARE A POP OPERA has been particularly inspiring to me as of late, we got free CD's of it at my last 4x meeting. I train this friday for my promotional tour, and I am mailing what and when I can. "Expectations are the greatest source of pain, because others rarely live up to our ideals."- Author Laura Davis.

It's November my Turkey talliers! It's a beautiful day outside I must say. Well, I am hooked up with two promotional corporations here in Manhattan. I did the Jack Morton event last month, and Nov-Dec, I will be touring for Suave through Eventage Events. We'll be in four different cities; Minneapolis, Orlando, Chicago and Seattle. I'm excited I'll get to see my family, and I do like traveling. I went to my second 4x-four artists by artists group tonight, and it is wonderful thus far. They should have the website up soon. If you want more info on this, drop me an email. Sigh* Autonomous and introspective as always, I continue to examine life and it's peaks and valleys. The sheer volume of people in New York hurtles at me the realities that people first think only of themselves often, a 'my way is THE way' outlook, especially in younger years. Those who think first of others are considered weak or pushovers. But this loving approach far surpasses in the love realm the "I cant believe they think that way" theory. Just coming to that understanding that yes I think this way but not everyone does, so be careful that you share that only with those you trust and love, and dont feel the 'ego' driven need to make everyone believe as you do. But, DO speak up against unprovoked malice in others. The most loving thing you can do sometimes is illuminate to a nasty person their nastiness it seems. But, life has no easy answers. My friend Amber gave me a card recently with this lovely message on it:

"Life has a way of stripping away the nonessentials
one birthday at a time
until we're left with our real selves
unashamed before the world
refined by experience
shaped by the things we've learned
and the passions we've pursued
And finally, we know what we know, and we love what we love and we still have
this precious thing called time.
and it's enough.
It's more than enough."

Saw I HEART HUCKABEES today. Friggin brilliant movie. Was visiting my friend Amber in New Brunswick, NJ which I heart btw. SO comfortable in NJ. Reading this book called SMART ACTORS, FOOLISH CHOICES by Katherine Mayfield which I'm enjoying. Its focal point is the realities of the entertainment biz, and how you need to have a full personal life outside of it with strong personal relationships, and how to still feel validated whether or not you are in a show. I am going to start the actors forum workshop which my friend Jen has organized tomorrow, which I am looking forward to. A way of keeping you on track as an actor through the help of other actors support. And, after just having a great weekend with friends, I feel good in this arena--at peace. Thank you Universe! :)

Today is my birthday weeeeee! I went to an amazing seminar by a company called CAPES COACHING last night. It's an inspirational sort of seminar that inspires actors to get to the next level in their career(www.capesco.com) So much of it is what I have learned in my own life seperate from the acting career, the work I've done on myself spiritually. Much of it was keeping the negative thoughts in check. I am feeling good inside, with occasional bouts buts thats everyones life I think. I'm also excited to report I got a callback for the prestigious Manhattan Theatre Clubs production of SHOCKHEADED PETER. That would be Off-Broadway in the spring. The show is super cool, it's based on Henrik Hoffmans childrens books that were poised to scare the hell out of kids. It's like Edward Scissors Hands meets Goldilocks. :)FRANKENSTEIN THE ROCK OPERA opens Mon and Tues, and so far I'm enjoying myself. Hopefully they will get investors for their show. More later---

I have researched up on Bush and Kerry and I feel armed to vote. I know how they stand on health care to taxes to national security. Now, if my absentee ballot comes here in time I'm set. I got an offer for an Off-Off Broadway show called LOOKING FOR SEX at the Wings Theatre. It's a great part and a good script however, the money sucks and I would be required to be in my underwear. :( Gonna pass on this one. I will be doing the Frankenstein show though, that's Oct 18th and 19th. Ben Folds music has really been speaking to my heart lately. I'm feeling melancholy as I always do in October. It's my favorite time of the year and it is also rid with pontification on life. I am really examining lately how frustrating dealing with insensitive people is at times. I'm sure I am difficult to them too, however concern for other human beings seems to be the foundation/equation they are lacking. Of course, I examine the whys and whatnots of this from their childhood, experiences etc. I get pissed off too geez, but some things are just right or wrong fundamentally. Does this make me Dr. Laura? ;) I guess this is where the deemed alone time is necessary; getting the time to be away from it all to regroup and go back out into the world.

October is here, my favorite month of the year yeaaa! I am determined to vote. I just printed my absentee ballot from Illinois. I watched the presidential debate Friday.*Sigh. I am feeling as if I dont know enough about each candidate and am relying on what everyone is saying. I want to make an educated decision here. Hmmm. Well, then research online it is. Can I just say that New York seems to be making me harder. Today this older woman and her husband asked me how to get to the World Trade Center in the subway. I tried to explain she would have to transfer and she was brusque and demanding and snapped "I dont want to transfer!". Thadd 5 years ago would have placated and been like well gee do this, try that. I said, "Well good luck!" and whooshed away. See what I'm becoming. I just dont have time for nastiness anymore. Maybe she was having a bad day. But then I guess nastiness isn't the right response to nastiness. Who can figure it all out? Bleaaaaaa.I miss the midwest where excuse me is a common colloquy.

The movie I did background work for SURVIVING CHRISTMAS starring Ben Afleck and Christina Applegate comes out next month I think. I wonder if you will see me? Ha! I am doing well, I got an equity showcase called FRANKENSTEIN A POP OPERA. It should be fun for the Halloween season (my favorite mind you) AND my Birthday month. The Big 33. I am finishing up the promotional job for Bank of America, I have one day left next week. My lord, the thousands and thousands of people who I talked about the bank to. New York has so many millions of people, it seems things you have to deal with in your daily life is multiplied in speed and intensity. We all come at life thinking it is defined how WE feel. This is sort of ego driven when you think. Its just a given that you will constantly deal with conflict of interest in other peoples agendas. This career is moving along OK, I guess. Man Im tired...Zzzz

A blog is a personal diary. A daily pulpit. A collaborative space. A political soapbox. A breaking-news outlet. A collection of links. Your own private thoughts. Memos to the world.

I have been working a promotional job for Bank of America in Times Square. It is truly exhausting. Well, I didn't get enough sleep either that didn't help. I think I am in denial how many misguided,horrible people there are in New York. I think I was sheltered growing up in the Midwest. On the subway three girls were SCREAMING at each other about to fist each other. Then, at the promotional gig, some street handlers went running when the police came to arrest them and one of them just missed plowing me over. This is good money but is it worth me getting a concussion? And I just don't know about the actors here in New York. . Part of me knows I don't belong in the acting career in many ways. This is not to say there are not wonderful people in this career,you are blessed when you come across them, but so many actors are enourmously selfish with no reverence for others hearts. I'm just feeling so disenchanted with that, why does this happen?

Yesterday, the subways were flooded from rainfall and had huge delays. It was the worse I've seen since I've been in NY, I was two hours late to work. Oy, New Yorkers. People were pushing and shoving into the crammed cars. SO irritating. At the time however, I was reading Joan Gibsons book LIVING IN PERSPECTIVE. Which lead to these thoughts:

When we look back over our lives we frequently find that events which had seemed disasters at the time have turned out to be blessings in disguise. Left to ourselves, we would have made ill-advised choices, but circumstances have forced us to change direction.

I know my life has had my own percieved 'disasters'. However, from those have come an unwavering strength in my spirit, replacing my youthful naive dreams about life and success with emotional maturity and growth.Success will come in it's time. However, it may be in an entirely different form from our original conception of it.

What else? OH, I've discovered I have a hair-hang up. I tie my self worth to how good my haircut is. If I don't like the way it looks, I feel unattractive and pick at it obsessively. Ha! My name is Thadd and I am a hair-aholic. :)I am working on this...perhaps I should just buzz cut-it and be done with it.

This week thank you: Mom, BankOne, Starbucks, Spencer, Amber, high speed internet and cute doggies on the street givin me lovin' :)


For all the heartaches and the tears,
for gloomy days and fruitless years,
I do give thanks for now I know
These were the things that helped me grow.
Anon.

The city has been under seige with the Rebublican convention this past week, which thankfully ends today. It is amazing all the protest mobs, arrests, and political upheavals that have occured this past week. I can't believe Bush chose here, oy! Yesterday, I came to the theatre early after my temp job, and as I entered the bathroom a huge mouse darted out of the room. I guess "eek" was the word of choice for that. I read that many of the Broadway theatres are infested with creepy crawlies and terrible ventilation problems. Interesting that you work so hard to get there, and the conditions are less than favorable. Galinda the good witch in WICKED sings "Cause getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems a little well complicated,theres a kind of a sorta cost, theres a couple of things get lost, there are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you crossed." Metaphors for life this week..