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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Last night I performed in the play reading THE HEAD OF MARY at the Ohio Theatre in Soho. It was the first time I’ve been on a stage in over two years. Truth be told I absolutely loved performing again! Of course I would read the phonebook or play a tree bush for this particular director I love her. So when she asked me to do this I felt the reverberating ‘YES’ inside that Oprah mentions and agreed. How great to once again be utilizing the ‘artist’ inside me versus the corporate me. It was good for my spirit.

Some friends have asked me as of late why I’m not performing anymore. I kept feeling like I wanted to write about it and also to just clarify it for myself. For the record, I haven’t left performing completely I still go to the occasional agent call. But I feel like I’ve been on a permanent sabbatical (is that a phrase?). I had a singing gig in Feb and one in the fall but aside from that nada. Nor have I had the desire really. I am doing fine with the occasional stints (and of course singing in my apartment!). My buddy Vance told me at the recent gig ‘you still got it Thadd’. That made me happy. But all in all I am in-limbo artistically.

The last three years of performing I wasn’t happy. Particularly in theatre. That quiet voice inside me kept reverberating ‘ Thadd why are doing this? This is not fulfilling you bouncing around with pogo sticks and yelling at people onstage’. I didn’t want to be other people anymore I just wanted to be me and I definitely did not enjoy auditioning or the lifestyle. Many performing friends I know have gone through this same journey of self awareness. Some have left the business altogether. Some continue on and are miserable. Some have restructured how much they do it. Some continue on performing and love it. Different strokes and for all of them I respect whatever decision they’re making.

I think the main reason I’ve stopped is because…I’m healthy inside. Or at least I’m getting there. I’ve worked so much on self and am more interested in life’s other potentials. There’s something about the business of performing that seems way too much ‘of the ego’. Craving too much attention from others and having too many shallow theatre friendships. Displaced narcissism. I think a lot of performers are not addressing insecurities that brought them to the stage originally and that’s not conducive to growth. Sometimes what they think they get from it only gives the illusion of fulfillment, the illusion of contentment. Use your gifts, yes, but keep the ego in check and address why you’re doing it. I have a great job working 30 hrs a week with amazing benefits and low stress. I’m out early enough to have the rest of my day to do whatever I want. I’m extremely grateful to just have a job with the economy. I volunteer when I can. I get outside go to the gym and feel strong in body. I still love New York and Brooklyn after 8 years and take advantage of all that it has to offer. All in all I am a very blessed individual.

Yesterday, as show time drew near, I was completely and utterly convinced no one would come see this. It was Memorial Day it was Monday people are busy. What an amazing treat to see the audience filled and SEVEN of my friends afterwards! It meant so much I was soooo happy they came but more happy to just see them and spend time with them afterwards. I think it’s very important to not let your artist and the God given gifts you have lie dormant definitely definitely use them. My agent said to me years ago “I don’t think this is going to happen for you until your 40’s”. I find that very interesting. So maybe come my 40th birthday I’ll start again. Hello Tylenol and Sears commercials!I am very grateful for being reminded last night that I am still an artist deep inside. And with that valuable spiritual information, I continue on….










With director Sonoko Kawahara.

Saturday, March 07, 2009


As some of you may or may not know I just spent the last two weeks as a grand juror. Suffice to say it was not enjoyable. About ten years ago I served on a trial jury for like two days, and found that experience incredibly insightful. When I was first picked for this two weeks ago I was so upset, acquiescing to the fact that I’d be removed from work, my life etc for two long weeks. The wardens told us be glad it was only two weeks that most grand jury’s can go on for months. I left defeated, called my HR manager at work and begrudgingly showed up at supreme court Monday for my first of what would be two weeks of judicial yuckiness.
For those of you who don’t know a GRAND Jury is not a trial jury ala Amy Buttofuco or OJ Simpson. A trial jury is one that decides someone’s guilt or innocence. A Grand jury is prior to that and decides whether to INDICT someone based on legally sufficient evidence that a crime was in fact committed and then move it forward. Grand Jury’s (23 people, 12 to indict) hear case after case and are not used much anymore in most states but ironically New York and my home state of Illinois still use them. If any of you get called in for grand jury call me immediately for advice. Preferably show up in a bikini, slightly deranged, put a beach towel down in the court room and pretend to be sunbathing. Go for certifiably insane instead of rational and speaks English as I did.
Legally I cannot talk about any of the cases that the district attorneys presented. But there were some serious ones involved and I had a hard time getting through some. As a rule I don’t watch the news, read the papers too much. I don’t want to know all the crimes being committed I feel it adds to an anxious state of mind. I want to know of the wonderful things being done in the world. Energy begets energy I feel and I want to focus on the good.
Most of the cases were monotonous torturously long legal terms, monotonely droned by the lawyers. I literally almost fell asleep a couple of times particularly with some who needed a lesson in theatre performance basics; volume, articulation, presentation that strives to be more exciting than a box of hair. We nicknamed many of them from ‘Punky Brewster’ to ‘Small Wonder’ to ‘Mutt & Jeff. I’m thinking I may start my own crash directing school for beginning D.A.’s in these concepts. Side job anyone?
Although I am hoping I never serve again, I did learn a lot these past couple of weeks; I learned my memory is going and it may be time to strengthen the ole ginkgo biloba brain cells. I learned that I am a good moral person who was meant to be there & weigh in my vote with the open heart I possess. I learned a huge lesson in patience with moronic fellow jurors who put their feet up on the stands and belittled the rest of us. I learned some lawyers are hotties. I learned the law is in place for a reason and I can’t help but respect it, despite the fact that it doesn’t always reflect true spiritual justice. I learned In God we trust and in our own hearts we trust. Not too shabby I'd say.Here’s to another 10 years of non civic duty but always...to personal growth