Pages

Monday, September 08, 2008


In honor of August, I want to take this musing blog time to remember my late wonderful father Arthur Richard Krueger. It's been ten years since his passing, and although it sounds trite to say, a part of me has never been the same since he left earth.

But the loss is not the purpose of this posting. The celebration is.
In lue of this, I actually was chosen to talk about him on www.storyboardaudio.com, a sort of online NPR American Life site in the coming weeks. Details to follow stay tuned...

So often you read of the passing of loved ones with a deep sadness....longing....a crushed devastation. For me, it is very sad that he died, yes, but the feeling is more complex. It only 'hurts' when I dwell in his death or the circumstances surrounding it (he passed at a theatre I was working at). And I’ve discovered the last couple of years his death affected me in my other relationships in multiple ways. Very enlightening. When I celebrate him, who he was, the times we were together it is a warm feeling that is with me throughout the day. I prefer just thinking of him warmly in this way. Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and see so much of him in my features, my spirit… and that is, well...pretty spectacular.

My Dad was such a sweetheart. I took him for granted when he was alive but he sure was amazing. Super gregarious, consistently present and always laughing. You always felt uplifted around him. My Mom says my grandfather (his Dad) was even more of this gregarious ilk. She said he was like my Dad times 3. My grandfather died when I was 6 months old so I never knew him. I think some of the best parts of me come from my father. I wonder if it's genetic? :) Born in 1939, Arthur Richard Krueger was an only child. He had a brother who died at childbirth but was raised by my grandparents singularly. He was an active sports oriented kid and when he became an adult went into the airforce and became an award winning golfer, and played semi professional baseball in CA (of course, who does he have as a son but little theatrical Thadd who couldn't throw a baseball to save his life... but he took it all in good stride). Rumor has it (rumor being Mom) that when he first saw my Mom at the bank they worked at together he walked straight into a glass wall with a thud (which later caused courtship, marriage and a TH-add, not a Thudd). He also was quite the stud dating three girls at the same time when he and my mother met. My Mother being the one woman-man she was wouldn't stand for that for long and quickly put the kabosh on it, telling him "You want to date, then you're going to have to date ONLY me". I can't make this sh** up people.

One of my favorite memories of him was when Hailey’s comet came down in 1986. One crisp summer night we got up at 4am and drove to the nearest high grass hill to try and see it's celestial overcast. There was a palpable aliveness that night staring up into the night sky with my Pop. Maybe now it was more about the quality time I was spending with him then seeing the comet. Haileys only makes an appearance every 75 years. Maybe every 75 years is the rate when father and son really bond...we sure did that night.

When I was little, I also was big on ‘projects’. I would make large wooden Star Wars memorabilia, movie projections, fake styrofoam doors, anything that struck my imagination from some particular movie. I was pretty imaginative as a kid. He would always help me create my fun house toys, collaborating, going to the store with me to buy the materials. I’m sure my intense, kinetic and imaginative brain was a handful for any Father but he never complained. We would create my little dream worlds together and I felt like he understood me deep inside…that is until the giant Mom upstairs would tell us to dismember my new large creations to clear out space in the laundry room (sorry Mom!). Since my Dad died at a theatre I felt a stigma in the Chicago community for years after his death like I was the boy ‘whos father died at a theatre’. I’m sure some of it was self imposed but not all. I think it was one of the reasons I left Chicago (which turned out to be the BEST choice for me) but it was an odd mixture of emotions. I remember reaching out to another actress at the theatre months later who’s Mother had died the same summer only to discover her intial reaching out to me was more of social convention than a genuine interest in our mutual loss. Another lesson in life I suppose. I do know you really find out who your friends are in a times like that and, although I would have preferred to just get a phone call rather than what happened I am glad I got to be with him right up to the end. Or is there an end really? I believe, afterall, he lives on within me.

I miss my Dad. I have gone on with my life some good some bad. But there are times I sure wish he was around. What a special guy he was. Hailey’s Comet is coming back in 2061. If I'm alive I'll be 89 yrs old.....in my rocker and porch with silver hair sipping my anti-oxidant Ensure…seeing it’s bright light in the night sky you can bet who I'll be thinking of then.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


It’s summer in New York and I’m restless.

Thank God I bought an air conditioner last month (Frigidaire 6000 BTU). *whew, sleep has never been better. And next week, I start orientation for New York cares volunteer organization. I’m really looking forward to this.

I’ve been looking at photos of my past. My life in general pre-New York--living with my parents (simple) Living in Chicago (stagnant) and even college (back to restless) Melancholy is the word that creeps into my head. Wow, I just want to drive in a car again have that private sanctuary where you can collect your thoughts, listen to music before arriving at your destination. The subway doesn’t allow you that pleasure.Which is why millions of people on the subway have their ipod buds shoved firmly in their oblivious ears. They’re bringing the sanctuary to themselves.

Talked with a friend about life/growing up in the Midwest. How we miss our former selves sometimes .We both quipped:“The priorities are not straight in New York. The priorities are straight in the Midwest. People are happy getting up, getting their kids ready for school, driving to work, coming home, going to dinner with friends. It’s not that way here. It’s always reaching for something big." Returning, he was snippy with the dystopia that is NY, people on the streets not saying thank you, holding open doors etc. I was completely with him on this, you feel like you’ve learned the truth of manners growing up elsewhere and no one gave the memo to certain New Yorkers.

Lately, it seems, I do not leave Brooklyn on weekends avoiding Manhattan at all costs and sort of re-grouping there before the work week. The last 7 months or so have been major re grouping time. I haven’t been feeling the performing bug at all I’m just working and living and breathing as best I can. Auditioning and schmoozing to get ahead to some imposed destination all seems so shallow to me, at least presently. I mean, I get it I’ve been there I get that some people really love performing and it’s in their blood. I myself am missing my singing voice used to full capacity. But maybe instead friends? Love? Volunteer work? Living life? Health? Today at Starbucks while having a frappachino with Erin, I noticed this guy I did a show with standing at the bathroom door across from me. Truth be told, deep down I didn’t really like him there was always something about him I didn’t trust. He didn’t say hello to me and I didn’t say hello to him and it felt as it should be. I remember he once said “Other actors are for f***ing not for relationships” I couldn't believe it. He is simply a former co worker and that was ok.

I have really taken stock the last couple of years of people I have done shows with who are not true friends and excavated myself from their company. In show biz, your community is constantly overturning and it’s not mature or wise to believe that all people in that temporary community have your best interests at heart. Maybe we are all yearning for community. I think it’s important to listen to that inner voice that could potentially be guiding you to a different chapter of your life. And ask your spirit regarding the people around you ‘Do I feel uplifted around this person? Or do I feel drained and disrespected? There lies your answer.I also am coming to realize that effort, say when you are feeling lonely, has to come from you. Call up your friends. Reach out. Ask them to spend time with you if you’re feeling low. Life can be hard some days and it's ok to lean on each other. And by now you know who really loves you anyway, don’t you? Yes you do because you are one smart cookie, gentle reader.

I think it’s time to take a vacation out of here. The 6 month mark has arrived and the restlessness continues. But in the meantime, I hear the air conditioner kicking on….and with it, my uttmost thadditude gratitude.

Friday, June 13, 2008


I'm still in love with New York. 6 years and it's a love/hate relationship. Some days I hate human bodies so much, but most days it's love. When I see snippets of small hometown life, I appreciate it--I have a reverence for it--but know it's not for me anymore.

I've said it before but moving to New York was the best thing I have ever done. Initially, I moved here like everyone else full focus on my performing career. But over the years, performing is taking more of a back seat, and I realize it's what got me here, but just BEING in this energy and growing is the REASON I remain. Performin' Shmormin! For now, I am content with where I'm at. Moment by moment. Living in the present. Grow and live my life.

I've compiled my own subjective list of the ten best things and the ten worse things about living here. I think it's pretty right on people, all my fellow New Yawk peep's let me know.

TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK:

1. There is always something to do from shows, concerts, restaurants and jobs.

2. Exposure to every nationality, creed, race, attitude, and dynamic of person.

3. Some of the best food I have ever eaten, particularly Italian, Thai, and Mediteranean.

4. Shopping is unparalled, you can literally find anything you need--and for cheap if you know where to look!

5. Iced green bubble tea.

6. Full dating pool.

7. There is always some job you can get to make money.

8. Battery Park, Central Park, Prospect Park, Botanical Gardens and the view of Manhattan from Hoboken, NJ.

9. This palpable karmic energy that what you put out you get back. Especially on the streets, a sort of fast paced pulsating amoeba that takes you with it.

10. Four words; Sex and the City.

TEN WORSE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK.

1.The subway; pushing, prodding, fighting for space. Subway etiquette is THE worse.

2. If you're tired, aint New York stoppin for you. You have to go with flow. Hesitation is death.

3. Some days it reeks beyond belief.

4. With the good people come the bad people. And some of them are B-A-D, ouchie wa wa.

5.True destitution is on the streets. Homeless people hurting, poverty, criminals. At times you have to turn a blind eye to survive.

6. Most starbucks, retail and fast food employees do not want to help you. Even though they are standing behind the counter. And are getting a paycheck. And have nametags.

7. It's impossible to find a bathroom in Manhattan when you really need one.

8. People constantly spitting. WHY WHY WHY?

9. $10 for a sandwich.

10. Two words; Dog Shit. On the street.

Let truth be told, I had a harder time coming up with the worse things list, so maybe thats a good thing. So that, as they say, is THAT.

Finally, the photo above is the view from my office window....I mean, look at that. It has started to become like a flat painting to me but sometimes I just stand there....fully present...and take it all in. It's breathtaking. No question, I was meant to live here...I belong.

"Like a rat in a cage/pulling minimum wage...like a death in the hall/that you hear through the wall...but you're still the one pool where I'd happily drown..." LCD Soundsystem's NEW YORK..

Saturday, April 19, 2008


The perfect Brooklyn night;

Tonight was something special; And not because of anything grandiose, but merely just because…well, because, like a present moment it just-was.

I have been in a flux this past week. I promised on my facebook status I would get out of my comfort zone this weekend. Do something out of the norm for me; sailboat, workshop, biking, travel upstate, skydive, SOMETHING. New York has tons of activities to offer and most nights lately I can be found on the couch on my computer, at the gym or talking on the phone. No reason to slug my life away when there is so much to offer out there right?

Sure enough, when I got home from work tonight my predictable pattern of surfing the net and sitting my ass on the couch started to rear it’s stagnated head. My inner voice said resoundingly NO! and 5 minutes later with wallet and keys in hand I was out the door and up the 5 steep blocks to Prospect Park. And outside the weather was perfect.

For those of you who don’t know what Prospect Park is, let me tell you it’s just about the best park in the tri state area aside from famed Central. Smaller, closer with just as much to offer and more convenience. Last summer I spent a lot of time there, and as spring is in the air I can feel this summer beckoning the same. Although this summer is not last summer. This summer I am ME this summer. The tides have turned more.

Strolling through the sidewalks, jogging paths and hills I am still amazed what a beautiful piece of nature is here right around the corner from my apartment. I stopped and sat on the grass next to a couple eating falafels. I don’t think they noticed me, nor cared really with the scope and surrounding architecture so amazing. I let my stresses go and my thoughts get quiet with God. They say prayer is speaking to God and the silence is God responding. Whatever it is, it works for me.

WHY don’t I do this more often? Now I walk by the most beautiful freshly flowered pink trees and just stood there and took it in. Just a moment-standing underneath it all. Nature really is astounding if you stop and be present with it. All the other people there obviously feel the same way I do so I’m sure I didn’t look too cookoo for cocoa puffs gazing lovingly at mr tree. The park is filled with people. I’m pretty intuitive so I can sense their different personalities, feel their energy. I saw two people in meditation 'Namaste-esque' poses in the grass. Dogs and soccer playing jockeys. Parents taking their families for a park stroll. Teenagers smoking weed on the corner bench. Wow even the dirt. I stopped and dug the dirt with the stick, can’t even remember the last time I did that. I almost forgot what dirt looks like! I stopped and bought a hot dog from the vendor, then moved on to the front of the park near grand army plaza. The best part was my final bench sitting, with this delightful woman and her dog Mel, and only 5 feet away a jugband brother-so-art-thou band playing full out folky rhythyms. They looked like they were having a ball, and those of us around them couldn’t help but feed off their enthusiasm. I looked up at the sky, noticed twilight was approaching and made my way back out toward Prospect Park west, it’s own historic street just outside the park equally as fascinating with its charm.

It was nice to escape my structured schedule tonight. No worries about money. No inner critics. No relationship concerns. I’m tellin y’all now, don’t forget about getting outside this beautiful spring. It’s absolutely essentially here in a city. This is what keeps me in awe and keeps me centered. At least…for now.

All in the all, the perfect Brooklyn night.

I copied this from a subway poem the first year I lived in New York. I think it says it best.

“You travel a path on paper
And discover you’re in a city
You only thought about before
It’s Sunday marketplace
Parakeets and finces are placed
On the stones
And poppies in transparent wrappings
How can you be where you never were?
And how did you find the way
With your mind your only measure?”

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Okay so my friend Brian and Cindy have asked about when I am going to update my blog. So here is an entry (after months of poking around and no postings). This isn’t to say I have not been writing. A couple of my essays are so personal (which means they could be universally powerful perhaps?) that I can’t bring myself to post them just yet, I'm too shy. Regardless, I am starting to label myself as a ‘writer’ (although none of my works have been published, I’ve never written a book and I am still wading in the short stories for magazine articles pool). But nevertheless, we are what we think we are and I’m seein the big picture here. So, with that I continue pen to paper (eh.. finger to keyboard?).

Let us start by stating a couple of exciting facts in the world de Thadd;

1)They opened a 7 eleven by my apartment. I grew up in the Midwest. Need I say more?
Tres excitement.

2) My roommate and I painted and redecorated our living room. Think lavender plum, willow bark and new candles. Ikea would be proud.

3)I read EAT PRAY LOVE by Elisabeth Gilbert and I can’t say enough good things about it. So inspiring, in reading it I teared up as many times as I guffawed out loud at the wittiness. A must read.

4) India Arie will be on Broadway this summer. You can bet your ass I will be there.

Here’s a revisting of past blog oldie but goodies. My best friend Pat and I have been chatting lately about all the usual things we chat about. Life, liberty, money, American idol, relationships. Ours is a friendship (more of a brother-ship) going on 25 years now, so needless to say we’ve covered all topics from Gandi to traffic violations to best methods for snow removal. Well lately, he and I have been discussing conflicts in relationships. I think I’ve come to a big aha in my life regarding them. I want resolution and closure when relationships do not work out. And in the same breath, I think I seek out TOO many relationships thus spreading myself too thin. In dating sometimes (experts say to get out there and date date date play the field) and in friendships (hey, New York is a social place it’s nice to have options). The problem I run into is I have too much expectation that ALL my relationships should be close and bonding and spiritually enlightening. And that is not realistic. My friend Laurie once told me, ‘Thadd, you need to compartmentalize the types of friends you have. The multi facets; the close dear friend, the friend from work, the casual friend, the friend you go out and have fun with, the crisis friend, the friend of a friend”. This is very valuable information she shared with me, helps me immensely. I like to call it ‘different friends for different trends’. Here’s something else that I think is valuable information. No one is worrying as much about you as YOU are. Go about your life, do what makes YOU happy and don’t worry about other people. Let them do what makes THEM happy. And with that information, become acutely aware that sometimes the two may not blend, and you have two choices then; adapt and compromise for that person or move on. No relationship can be molded, fixed, it is something that exists in its own definition, in it’s own realm. It doesn’t serve either people if the relationship doesn’t uplift.

ONE exception to this is, the relationship that, if you let it, makes you grow if you stick with it. And with that I’d like to end with a quote from EAT PRAY LOVE. I hope you get out of it as much as I did. Viva the growth-ful relationship!

“Richard-from-Texas's explanation of what a soul mate really is (p. 149): "People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change you life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."