Thursday, July 24, 2008

It’s summer in New York and I’m restless.

Thank God I bought an air conditioner last month (Frigidaire 6000 BTU). *whew, sleep has never been better. And next week, I start orientation for New York cares volunteer organization. I’m really looking forward to this.

I’ve been looking at photos of my past. My life in general pre-New York--living with my parents (simple) Living in Chicago (stagnant) and even college (back to restless) Melancholy is the word that creeps into my head. Wow, I just want to drive in a car again have that private sanctuary where you can collect your thoughts, listen to music before arriving at your destination. The subway doesn’t allow you that pleasure.Which is why millions of people on the subway have their ipod buds shoved firmly in their oblivious ears. They’re bringing the sanctuary to themselves.

Talked with a friend about life/growing up in the Midwest. How we miss our former selves sometimes .We both quipped:“The priorities are not straight in New York. The priorities are straight in the Midwest. People are happy getting up, getting their kids ready for school, driving to work, coming home, going to dinner with friends. It’s not that way here. It’s always reaching for something big." Returning, he was snippy with the dystopia that is NY, people on the streets not saying thank you, holding open doors etc. I was completely with him on this, you feel like you’ve learned the truth of manners growing up elsewhere and no one gave the memo to certain New Yorkers.

Lately, it seems, I do not leave Brooklyn on weekends avoiding Manhattan at all costs and sort of re-grouping there before the work week. The last 7 months or so have been major re grouping time. I haven’t been feeling the performing bug at all I’m just working and living and breathing as best I can. Auditioning and schmoozing to get ahead to some imposed destination all seems so shallow to me, at least presently. I mean, I get it I’ve been there I get that some people really love performing and it’s in their blood. I myself am missing my singing voice used to full capacity. But maybe instead friends? Love? Volunteer work? Living life? Health? Today at Starbucks while having a frappachino with Erin, I noticed this guy I did a show with standing at the bathroom door across from me. Truth be told, deep down I didn’t really like him there was always something about him I didn’t trust. He didn’t say hello to me and I didn’t say hello to him and it felt as it should be. I remember he once said “Other actors are for f***ing not for relationships” I couldn't believe it. He is simply a former co worker and that was ok.

I have really taken stock the last couple of years of people I have done shows with who are not true friends and excavated myself from their company. In show biz, your community is constantly overturning and it’s not mature or wise to believe that all people in that temporary community have your best interests at heart. Maybe we are all yearning for community. I think it’s important to listen to that inner voice that could potentially be guiding you to a different chapter of your life. And ask your spirit regarding the people around you ‘Do I feel uplifted around this person? Or do I feel drained and disrespected? There lies your answer.I also am coming to realize that effort, say when you are feeling lonely, has to come from you. Call up your friends. Reach out. Ask them to spend time with you if you’re feeling low. Life can be hard some days and it's ok to lean on each other. And by now you know who really loves you anyway, don’t you? Yes you do because you are one smart cookie, gentle reader.

I think it’s time to take a vacation out of here. The 6 month mark has arrived and the restlessness continues. But in the meantime, I hear the air conditioner kicking on….and with it, my uttmost thadditude gratitude.


Niki Naeve said...

Incredibly insightful, Thadd. I know many artists who come in and out of the "biz" for good reason. At our ages...mostly out!

Brian Davie said...

I want a summer house in the woods!!