Thursday, May 09, 2013

TOP TEN Driving Annoyances-a symposium.

Years ago I wrote about my Top 10 Subway Annoyances in New York. When I moved to Denver in 2010, I had not driven in almost ten years. Cut to me buying a car, hittin' the road and subsequently relearning how to drive all over again (you never really forget). And with that, the return of all the abounding douchebaggery on the roads. So in the spirit of revision, I give you my Top Ten Driving Annoyances of 2013. I dare you not to relate-And of course please chime in with your own car'irritants:

1. Bizarre turn lanes. All of sudden you're driving and are forced, by the evil road Gods, to turn L even though you did not want to-and are late-and were given no warning beforehand. Dislike.

2. Driving in rain that is misting down lightly. The tires from cars in front of you form a fine mist that basically renders you blind as a bat. And god forbid it's a semi truck in front of you. It's a complete whiteout mist comparable to a Tibetan hurricane. Come to think of it, TRUCKS in general should be their own obnoxious category. They just don't care honey badger. Go away trucks.

3. Construction zones. It does not feel like you are there to make our roads better Construction people. It feels like you are there to make our lives hell, to just have work, and to perpetually add 25.7 more minutes to our travel time. #roadconstructioncanbiteme

4. When merging 8 million cars from aforementioned construction zones, douchebags who cut all the way up to the front and try to bully their way into the lane you have patiently waited in. No I will not let you in, it's called rules of the road.

5. Parking lots. Why parking lots why? Pulling in, pulling out. Always crowded. Pulling out of a parking spaces without being able to see what's coming.*ouch my neck hurts. Keep alert in parking lots, that's all I'm sayin'.

6. Entitled douchebag drivers speeding recklessly (in snow storms or bad weather). To ye, I put a voodoo witch curse on you to get pulled over and ticketed exorbitantly, crash your car (not die of course....well...maybe) and skyrocket your insurance payments. *Ssst Ssst.

7. Anybody driving in HU'OGE heavy duty pick up trucks that are too wide. No one needs that much car. NO ONE. What are you transporting a whole state? You are over compensating for your small penis and we all know it.

8. Traffic jams that are caused by cars slowing down to stare at the accident on the side of the road. Keep looking ahead people.

9. It's called turn signals. You use them whenever you change lanes, exit or turn. Forget about them, and someone could end up dead.....where did you learn how to drive?....Don't answer that.

10. And the number ten spot goes to...*drum roll....Tailgating! The primal rage this causes in me I can't even explain. Here it is: Two cars stopping distance in front of you. Say this with me "One thousand one, one thousand two" as you drive along. That's right, keep counting and get off my ass please.

Ok that really got my blood pressure up. Hopefully this will go viral and save millions of people. Surely you have more where this came from fellow drivers?

Happy Trails.

1 comment:

Niki said...

Laugh out loud! Ontailgating, Stroudsburg, PA has big white circles in the road exactly 2. car lengths apart, the better to instruct divers to not tailgate. I was impressed.